


What Makes You Beautiful

by bromfieldhall



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Angst, F/M, Humor, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-06
Updated: 2012-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 01:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 44,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2251014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bromfieldhall/pseuds/bromfieldhall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yesterday I made a New Year's resolution. I'm going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation's Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon." </p><p>JANE/LISBON. </p><p>Jane's POV. </p><p>Minor spoilers for end of season four. </p><p>Each chapter is a day out of a new month as Jane tries to win Lisbon's love. Minor Language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: "The Mentalist" is copyrighted to CBS and Bruno Heller. I retain rights to the plot, but not the characters. This story is meant for enjoyment purposes only. No infringement is intended.

_"You're insecure,  
Don't know what for…"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**Chapter 1**

January 2nd – 4.51pm

Yesterday I made a New Year's resolution. I'm going to give myself one whole year to woo _and_ win the love of California Bureau of Investigation's Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.

She's head of the Serious Crimes Unit. Did I happen to mention that she's also my boss? Not that it matters. As a consultant, I'm not strictly a CBI employee so fraternisation isn't frowned upon between us. I checked. Then I double-checked…just to make sure.

My name's Patrick Jane. I was once a damn good, dare I say, _the_ best fake psychic and all round con artist there was. Until the day I crossed a very bad, very sick man called Red John who took away everything I held dear one devastating night a little over eleven years ago.

My family. My beautiful wife and child. Angela and Charlotte. It took me years but I finally avenged their deaths. I hunted down and found the bastard who butchered them…but I didn't kill him. Lisbon did that. She saved me yet again. From my own destructive folly. I'll be forever grateful to her for that…

But that's not why I love her. No, that's been creeping up on me so slowly I hardly even knew that it had happened until I was head over heels and all bent out of shape. She's my friend. My best friend and she kept me sane. Well, as sane a man who carried the crushing guilt of being the cause of his family's murder could be I suppose. She's stood at my side through thick and thin. Never faltering. Never leaving. No matter how much I pushed her away or tried to distance myself. No matter how much trouble I caused in the pursuit of my obsession. No matter how many times it was detrimental to both her personally and also the team. She was always there. Always understood. Always cared. My rock.

I ask you, how could I not fall in love with her? I'd be complete imbecile if I hadn't…and believe me; I am many things, but an imbecile is not one of them.

Does she love me, though? Now, that's a harder question to answer. She definitely has some feelings for me, I'm certain of that but I'm also just a certain that it will be a cold day in Hell before she'd even admit it to herself, let alone me.

I can't blame her, really. That whole Lorelei debacle last year ruined any kind of trust she'd worked so hard to have for me, stone dead. I mean, I told her I loved her and then she found out I'd had sex with Red John's right hand woman. From the woman herself. Hardly supports my declaration, does it? But I did then and still do love her, I just don't have great timing. I _am_ a little rusty concerning affairs of the heart after all.

Of course, the fact that I started, and continued, the charade of having feelings for Lorelei just to get information on Red John didn't exactly help substantiate my avowal to Lisbon either. I detested having to do it but like I said, it was the in pursuit of my obsession and, wonderful woman that she is, she still stood by me, even though I could tell it pained her.

I have to admit that, apart from the obvious, seeing the incredible hurt on her face each time I came back from interviewing Lorelei and knowing that I was the one responsible for putting it there …well, I can honestly say that it is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

I truly hate myself for that.

And for what it did to our friendship.

My selfish actions nearly broke us, more than once. But somehow, we held on. Whether is was down to my own tenacity in not letting her to go or down to the fact that she has the most forgiving and generous nature a person could possess, I'll never really know. But somehow, now it's all over, we've managed to move on.

Finally, after four excruciating months of waiting and praying to a God I don't really believe in, since Red John's death and Lorelei's conviction, Lisbon is starting to let me back in again. Just little things, but I recognise the signs and they give me hope. I am determined not to ruin it this time. She's too important to me.

To quote from sonnet 43, 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.'

To be honest, I'd need to count off far more than the twenty fingers and toes I possess to fully do justice to the amount of adjectives that I could espouse about her beauty and brains, not to mention her brawn. Who knew such a tiny little thing could hold so much power? And I'm not talking just about physically either…although Teresa Lisbon in full flight, tackling a man twice her size to the ground is truly a thing of beauty. Trust me.

Where was I? Ah yes, let me count the ways…well, she's beautiful, _obviously_ , kind, strong, stubborn, feisty, caring, intelligent, sweet, clever, passionate, witty…

"Jane!"

Loud, angry…

"Jane! I know you're not sleeping. Get the hell up and into my office! Now!"

Bossy.

I wince slightly as my poor old couch gets yet another swift boot to its side then crack open an eye to see her standing over me, hands on hips, her ire radiating off her in waves so hard they slap me square in the face. How I especially love to see her like this, all long flowing hair and stormy emerald eyes. And as for those perfectly kissable lips…

Magnificent!

"Oh, were you calling me?" I ask innocently, as I deliberately go overboard on pretending to wake up. I watch in unabashed delight as her eyes grow even more tempestuous.

"You're an ass," she tells me before stalking off.

I can't help but agree with her evaluation of me and get up to follow, making sure I stop off at the break room first to make myself some tea and Lisbon a coffee. It'll give her some time to calm down a little before I go in and fan the flames again.

"It's about time," she grouses as I eventually step into her office.

I give her have my patent "You love me really' grin and she shakes her head in annoyance. I sit down on the chair in front of her desk then take a leisurely sip of my tea as I wait for her to bawl me out.

"Just what the heck were you thinking this afternoon?" she begins, her voice surprisingly controlled all things considered.

"What do you mean?" I ask casually before taking another sip of my drink. I find that being obtuse is particularly aggravating to her.

"You know _exactly_ what I mean," she responds, the volume rising slightly just as I knew it would.

I shake my head, all innocence then suddenly produce the perfect 'eureka' expression before I say, "Oh, you're talking about the fact that I helped bring yet another killer to justice."

"No, I'm talking about the fact that you pushed Senator Carlton into that mud hole!" she exclaims.

"Meh…collateral damage," I excuse dismissively, "And he had it coming. He wouldn't leave you alone."

"He was upset and I can handle men like him myself," she argues back, "I don't _need_ or _want_ you to stand up for me, Jane. How many times have I told you that?"

Too many. 

And as much as I know this, I don't feel sorry for knocking that asshole into the mud. Besides, I didn't really _push_ him per se, it was more of a…perfectly executed nudge. And it'd been funny to see him slip over again and again as he'd tried to stand up, covered in dirt, spluttering in rage. Even Cho had been amused, if that slight upturn on the right side of his mouth had been anything to go by. And rightly so. I know he was as ticked off as I was at the way Carlton had been pawing at Lisbon all afternoon using his crocodile tears as a pretext of needing comfort over the fact that his cheating wife had been murdered by her lover. I saw the truth in him. There was no love there. He hated his wife and was secretly pleased to see the back of her, she was just a trophy to him anyway. Plus the added exposure gave him the press time he so desperately needed for his new campaign. Nasty human being.

I smile slightly at the thought of him flailing around covered in dirty muck and Lisbon stands up suddenly, rigid with fury. "You think this is _funny_?" she asks me, placing her hands on her desk and leaning towards me. "Because I don't! As usual _your_ actions have landed _me_ in trouble. If you don't apologise to the Senator, I'm on suspension for two weeks. Effective immediately."

I stare back at her in wonder. Her eyes are sparking green fire and she's breathing heavily from trying to control her ire. I can't stop my gaze from dropping to her delectable lips then trailing further down along her smooth neck and coming to a stop where her modestly covered chest is rising and falling at an increased rate.

She's glorious and alive and I have to physically restrain myself from reaching out and just kissing her senseless. I drag my eyes away from her body and focus on my teacup instead. I take another, longer draught of the brew and pull my errant thoughts back under control.

I should have known Lisbon would get caught up in the backlash of my actions. She always does and I usually let her because I'm too damn arrogant to back down. But now I've made my resolution that's about to change. How can she even begin to believe I care for her if I don't swallow some pride and do the decent thing for once?

I place my cup and saucer on her desk and nod, "OK, I'll apologise."

If I had slapped her, I doubt she could have been more shocked. She slumps back down onto her chair as if her legs can no longer support her diminutive weight and looks at me as if I've gone mad. 

"Excuse me?" she says obviously not fully able to comprehend my acquiescence.

"I'll apologise," I repeat, slower this time, just to try and rile her up a little again.

Her eyes narrow suddenly and she looks at me suspiciously. "Are you playing me?" she asks, her tone incredulous. "Because I don't like being made a fool of, Jane."

"How on earth am I playing you if I say I'll apologise?" I counter, genuinely confused. I thought I was showing her that I cared. Infuriating woman.

"By telling me you'll do it and then not following through, leaving me feeling like an even bigger idiot for allowing myself to start to have a little faith in you again," she tells me unhappily. She lets out a sigh and sits back into her chair with a shake of her head, "Why are you even here anyway?"

My confusion grows. 

"You asked me in here," I reply, dryly.

"Not in my office _here_ , but the CBI?" she rectifies, her voice taking on a softer, almost uncertain edge, "Why haven't you left yet? I thought that with Red John gone, you'd be off making a new life for yourself. It's been four months, Jane."

"I know how long it's been, Lisbon. I can count," I retort, cut to the quick that she had actually thought that about me.

It really hits me then, the full extent of how far our relationship has truly disintegrated. When had I become so blind? I honestly believed that she was starting to get past all her insecurities about me but it seems she was merely ignoring them because she thought I was leaving anyway.

It hurt. More than I care to admit. Especially as I know how so very deep my feelings for her are.

I stand and pick up my cup and saucer. 

"Set up the meeting with Carlton. I'll apologise. I'll even do a dance if that's what he wants," I mutter sardonically. Hurt fuels my next words, as I add a trifle brusquely, "Just don't tell me that you're _expecting_ me to leave you ever again, Teresa. Trust me, I'm not going anywhere…whether you _like_ it or not. I'm ,em >hoping you do, but if you don't…I'm a patient man. I can change your mind."

It's with some satisfaction that I watch her mouth open in shock and then I turn and leave, shutting the door quietly behind me.

I go into the break room to make another cup of tea, the familiar actions a balm on my injured soul. As I wait for the kettle to boil, I try to stop myself from looking over at her door, but fail miserably. I see her staring back at me then, to my surprise, she gets up and leaves her office and heads in my direction carrying her coffee. I resolutely turn my attention back to the kettle, which thankfully starts to whistle as I see her dump the cold contents of her mug into the nearby sink out the corner of my eye.

We each work on making our own hot drinks while surreptitiously watching the other. I see her pick up her mug and move away then, unexpectedly, I hear her call my name. I look up and she gives me an awkward half smile as her cheeks colour slightly.

"I _do_ like it," she reassures me softly before quickly turning and going back into her office.

I finish making my tea with what I know has to be the most asinine grin on my face, but I just can't help it. I may not have done much actual wooing of my fair maiden today but I believe I've most certainly laid down the foundations.

END CHAPTER 1


	2. February

_"You're turning heads when you walk through the door,"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**February 3rd – 8.30pm**

I hate charity auctions.

Especially one such as this, which is nothing more than a PR stunt to promote the California state police departments. Some middle-aged fool from the AG's office sporting a paunch and a God complex decided that relations between the Sacramento elite and local law enforcement needed to be vastly improved and here we are.

Each department is supplying one person to be a 'lot' for the evening.

Don't get me wrong, although I dislike charity auctions in general, I'm perfectly happy with the part where they actually raise money for a good cause. It's just the whole over the top razzmatazz that the organisers feel should go with it. Personally, I'd rather they came around with a box and we all put in what money we can spare. Maybe have a free glass of nice wine and go home. Why does there have to be a full on social gathering?

Better yet, why don't they just use the obscene amount of money they've obviously spent on this shindig and give that to their chosen charity instead?

I look around. There's a smattering of law enforcement officers and officials schmoozing the usual politicians and businessmen and women. Then you've got the people who were born to their wealth who are only here because it's their 'duty'. They don't particularly like mixing with us mere mortals, they do it simply because they think it makes them look good.

Those are the people I dislike the most. The rich fat cats with too much time and too much money. Full of their own self-importance. Never done an honest day's work in their life. They irk me.

They also remind me of _me_ many years ago.

True, I worked for a living but I'd hardly call it honest.

I used to be just like them. Thought I had it all. Thought I was better than everyone else. Not a care in the world. Like, somehow, my celebrity status and all the wealth that came with it meant that nothing bad could ever touch me because of who I was and what I did.

I was such an arrogant fool. And I paid for it dearly. Am still paying for it, because my guilt will never completely go away. I deserve that.

I saunter around the hall catching snippets of other people's inane conversations and find myself drowning in the quagmire of never-ending tedium.

And I've only been here ten minutes.

I look around, searching for Lisbon. I'm only here because she specifically told me not to come. I mean, please…that's tantamount to a red flag to a bull. How could I _not_ turn up?

After all these years you'd think she'd know that I never do what she's says, but she still keeps trying to order me about. It's sweet. Really.

I'm guessing she thought I'd actually listen this time because ever since our little…altercation over the Carlton case a few weeks ago, I've been noticeably behaving myself better. But that's work…this is personal. Doesn't count.

The sound of an obviously fake laugh draws my attention and I turn to see a man surrounded by a group of women. Speak of the devil…

Senator Carlton is holding court and clearly very much over the 'pain' of losing his dearly, departed wife to her murderous lover not four weeks ago. He sickens me. And he looks like a toad.

He catches my eye and scowls. It's not surprising. I did apologise to him as I said I would…it's just that nobody told me I had to make it sound sincere. Lisbon wasn't very happy with me but she didn't get suspended which is the main thing. After all, it's not her fault I can be a jerk sometimes. I can't be expected to change overnight, now can I?

Besides, I know full well that she spoke to him afterwards and smoothed everything over. He certainly walked out of the CBI a far happier man than he entered it. Lisbon does tend to have that effect on people…when she puts her mind to it.

I turn away from the odious individual and continue my perusal of the room. I notice that Cho is nursing a drink alone at the bar. I raise my glass of sparkling water and he gives me a nod of acknowledgement back. He is the nominated 'lot' from our team tonight. He's offering to teach basic self-defence to the lucky winner. I know he's been dreading getting up on stage. He's not one for the limelight is our Cho.

I scan the rest of the room and find Rigsby staring at the few couples that are making use of the dance floor. The pinched look on his face resembles one of a child who has had his favourite toy taken away but is determined not to cry.

When I check out the dancers I understand why. Van Pelt, who looks lovely this evening, is being whirled around the floor by a rather tall, rather handsome young man who, judging by his slightly dazed expression, can't quite believe his luck. It's obvious he's wishing that _she_ were up for auction this evening.

I feel sorry for Risgby and Grace, they were good together. And now that he has long split up with Sarah, they could _still_ be good together…if CBI rules allowed. I'm pretty sure that if they decided to take up their romance again, Lisbon wouldn't interfere this time. She'd let them be. They both deserve a little happiness after what they've been through.

Don't we all?

Speaking of which…I still can't see Lisbon anywhere. She's usually prompt to the point of being too early. But not tonight it seems. Odd.

I take a sip of my water and think back over the past month with a smile. Things are…better between us. I like to think almost back to normal now, but I was wrong before and so I'm being extra cautious. Keeping it light. Baby steps. Trying to get back to what we were before Lorelei's presence ruined everything. It's taking some time, but I truly believe that we will get there. I have to, for both our sakes.

Naturally, this delays my resolution somewhat. I can't attempt to go forward until we're back to where we started. It's frustrating, but necessary and as I told Lisbon a few weeks ago…I'm a patient man.

The song that's playing comes to an end and the auctioneer for the evening steps up to the mike. I don't recognise him and forget his name before he's even finished introducing himself.

Everyone moves to either find a seat or stand on the dance floor in readiness for the main event. The auction begins but everything is just background noise as I'm beginning to feel a little concerned that I can't find Lisbon. I walk over to where Cho is getting up from his barstool. It's his turn soon.

"Have you seen, Lisbon?" I ask, still scouring the hall.

He nods his head, "Yeah."

I wait for him to continue but when it's obvious that he's not going to be more forthcoming, I query irritably, "Well? Where is she?"

"Around," is his brief reply.

His evasive answer tells me that something is up. I don't know if it's to do with work or whether it's personal but all the same, it bothers me a little that Lisbon obviously chose to bring _him_ in on it and not me.

"Where _around_ , exactly?" I press, watching his impassive face for a glimmer of a clue.

Cho shrugs but doesn't reply. Instead he opts for classic avoidance, "So, what are you doing here? I thought the boss told you not to come?"

"Oh, she did," I concede with a smile, "I thought it'd be a nice surprise."

He snorts and looks away, "Yeah, wouldn't bet on that."

I'm about to ask him outright what the hell's going on when something the auctioneer says catches my ear. 

"Did he just say _Lisbon's_ name?" I ask in amazement.

"Yeah."

I'm confused. 

"But I thought you were the one up for auction."

"I was, but when I got here tonight Lisbon told me that the plans had changed."

My puzzlement grows. 

"Why?"

I finally feel as though I'm going to get to the truth of the matter when Cho sighs and looks a little uncomfortable. 

"I don't know for certain but he has something to do with it," he tells me. He nods towards the crowd of people on the dance floor and I grow tense when I see Senator Carlton making his way to the front.

"He came over when Lisbon was here and made…comments," Cho continues, looking a little angry now.

" _Comments_?" I repeat incredulously, feeling my own hackles rise at the thought of what the other man might have said.

"Comments," Cho confirms, his top lip curling up in distaste.

Why, that rotten, son of a…

The desire to defend Lisbon's honour surges through me like a tidal wave and my hands clench at my sides as I run through all the possible ways to inflict pain on the self-absorbed ass. I know I could get away with it and I'm pretty certain Cho would help.

"I asked her about it when he left and she just said that it was a small price to pay to keep _you_ around," he concludes, a hint of accusation in his eyes.

I feel like I've just been punched in the gut and my anger rises anew. I don't have to be a mentalist to know that Carlton has somehow turned _my_ foolish behaviour to _his_ advantage. Apparently Lisbon has saved me yet again but it's not her job on the line this time, it's her self-respect instead. And I absolutely cannot let her do that for me.

I catch sight of Lisbon walking quickly onto the stage and my breath catches. She is stunning. The unassuming black dress accentuates her figure perfectly. It's sexy in an artless kind of way that's very appealing. All the other men in the hall seem to agree as the hush that had descended when she appeared dissipates into eager murmuring when the auctioneer announces that the winning bidder will enjoy an evening with Teresa including dinner at a place of her choice.

Carlton opens the bidding at two thousand dollars.

It's been the highest amount all evening of that I'm sure. I doubt anyone will raise him, which I assume is his intention, and I notice Lisbon's face take on a look of resignation. She smiles, trying to cover it up trooper that she is, but I can still see it. See what she's willing to sacrifice. And I bet she's even convinced herself that something positive is coming out of all this in that the charity will benefit from the money.

My Saint Teresa.

I walk towards Carlton and feel Cho following close behind, probably trying to ensure I don't do anything stupid. With no other bids forthcoming, the auctioneer begins to wrap up the 'lot' as I come to a stop beside the senator.

"Three thousand dollars," I say loudly, just before the man with the gavel can say, 'gone'. Lisbon looks understandably shocked when she hears my voice and then her mouth tightens in annoyance as she sees me standing next to Carlton.

The senator turns to look at me with a frown and I grin back at him. Gauntlet thrown down.

"Four thousand dollars," he bids, his eyes daring me to counter.

"Five," I offer, almost immediately.

The senator starts to get a red hue to his cheeks and leans towards me. 

"Back off, Mr. Jane, or you can say goodbye to your job," he says quietly through gritted teeth in what I guess he thinks is a threatening tone. He's an amateur compared to Lisbon.

To my surprise, Cho walks around me and stands in front of Carlton, arms folded. 

"Is that a threat, Senator?" he asks matter-of-factly, "Because it sure sounded like one from where I was standing."

"Going once," I hear the auctioneer call.

"From here too," says Rigsby suddenly appearing on the senator's other side looking grim.

"Going twice," the auctioneer calls a second time.

Carlton turns an even brighter shade of scarlet and I begin to think he might actually explode. 

"I'll have _all_ your jobs for this," he hisses angrily before turning and walking away.

"Sold to Mr…?"

"Jane," I reply, "Patrick Jane."

The auctioneer smiles and indicates for Lisbon to leave the stage. She looks absolutely livid and heads straight for us, her eyes practically shooting flames.

"Uh-oh," murmurs Rigsby apprehensively. 

I can understand his concern. 

"You two go, I'll handle it," I say, grateful for their intervention and wishing to give them a reprieve. They don't need telling twice and I'm quickly left alone to face Lisbon's wrath.

"What the hell was _that_?" she demands to know as she comes to a stop right in front of me.

I can sense her barely contained rage so naturally I have to push it. 

"You're welcome," I reply with a grin.

" _Jane_ ," she says, the warning clear.

"It's fine, Lisbon. Don't worry," I dismiss with a wave of my hand, "We merely persuaded Senator Carlton not to bid for you, that's all."

"Oh, God," she groans as she closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose, "I'm going to get suspended, aren't I?"

I raise my hand and take hold of hers, gently pulling it away from her face. She opens those amazing green eyes and I shake my head. 

"He won't bother you again, trust me," I tell her and I'm pleased to feel her relax a little.

She stares at me and I know she's trying to figure out what happened but in the end she just accepts it and lets out a little sigh. She looks down at our joined hands and I'm disappointed, but not surprised, when she pulls hers away. 

"I need a drink," she mutters, walking off towards the bar.

I follow and stand beside her when she perches on one of the stools. I order her a drink and get myself another water.

"You know you're going to have to pay for this, don't you?" she says seriously.

I'm not quite sure what she's talking about and glance at our drinks in perplexity. 

"I thought it was a free bar."

She looks a little self-conscious. 

"Not the drinks…I meant the auction…you know… _me_."

It's adorable the way she stumbles over her explanation. And the rosy hue that invades her face is far more becoming than the vermilion disaster that was Carlton.

"Oh, that," I say with a shrug of my shoulders, "I can afford it. Besides, you're worth it."

I deliberately keep my tone offhand but it pleases me to note that the colour deepens on her smooth cheeks. It's obvious she doesn't know what to say and I'm content to let the silence continue between us as she, no doubt, ruminates on all the possible meanings.

I know I said I'm taking baby steps but even an infant needs a gentle push sometimes in order for it to stand. Right?

A short, sweaty man walks over carrying a clipboard then thrusts it towards me with a pen and asks for my signature by way of confirming that I've won…Lisbon.

I fill out all the details and hand it back to him while I watch the auction conclude with complete disinterest. All my senses are attuned to the woman sitting quietly next to me. I know there are things she wants to ask me. There are things I want to say, but it's too soon. She's not ready.

The band take up their positions on stage. The lights dim slightly, taking the edge of the harsh lighting just enough to give the room a romantic ambience and they begin to play. It's a slow song and I can't resist holding out my hand for hers.

"Will you dance with me?" I ask with my most persuasive grin.

She hesitates for a second then smiles and places her hand in mine. I lead her onto the dance floor and can't stop my sigh of satisfaction as I take her in my arms. She rests her head on my shoulder and I gather her in closer, chest against chest, thighs brushing thighs, our bodies moving easily together as if we've danced this way many, many times before.

"So," she says, finally breaking her silence and lifting her head to look at me, "Where are you going to take me for dinner?"

I gaze down at her and smile. 

"I thought that was _your_ choice."

She shakes her head. 

"I made that a condition so that Carlton couldn't take me back to his place," she admits, confirming to me what I'd already suspected.

"I knew you'd set this whole thing up," I say with a shake of my head, "Please promise me you won't do anything like this again, Lisbon. I'm not worth it."

"You are, Jane, because you close cases. I need you on my team."

No matter how much I love holding her like this, I really want to shake the infernal woman for trotting out that same old excuse again. She's said it for so long now that I think she's actually starting to believe it's true.

"Besides, I had everything planned," she adds with a sudden smile that catches me off guard, "I knew when I told you not to come tonight you wouldn't listen. I didn't think you'd actually bid for me but I knew that if Cho said the right things, I could count on you to do something so that Carlton wouldn't win."

She looks so happy that her little scheme has worked, I can't find it within myself to be upset that she conned me in such a way. Turnabout is fair play after all.

"I'm impressed," I say letting my admiration to show, "Plus, the charity gets a nice little donation out of it. Win, win situation all round."

"It is," she replies, still grinning, "And it was nice to finally get one over on you for a change."

"Oh, you did," I admit as the music comes to an end and I reluctantly release my hold, "Apart from one little thing."

She pulls away with a frown. 

"And what's that?" she asks dubiously.

I reach out then take her hand and look deeply into her eyes as I raise it slowly to my lips. Holding her gaze, I press a soft kiss to the back of her hand. Her skin is warm and I find myself lingering there far longer than I should when her mouth drops open a little and I hear her sharp intake of breath.

I eventually pull back with a smile, my lips still tingling from the tender contact. Keeping hold of her hand, I lean in closer. I hear her breathing hitch anew as I bring my mouth to her ear and whisper dryly, "Cho stepped in too early, I would have paid double."

I hear her gasp of surprise as I pull back and grin. I give her hand a light squeeze then release it before I turn to walk away, but she stops me.

"Wait, what about dinner?" she asks, that wonderful blush back on her perfect cheeks.

"No rush, Lisbon. You can choose when you're ready. Or not. Just let me know. I'll be waiting."

I leave her on the dance floor staring after me in confusion. I enjoy keeping her off kilter and quite honestly, if I don't leave her now I'll do more than just kiss her on the hand.

I make my way outside and to my car and I can't help but think that maybe charity auctions aren't such a bad thing after all.

END CHAPTER 2


	3. March

_"Don't need make-up, to cover up,  
Being the way that you are is enough"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**March 6th – 06.42am**

Lisbon is hurt.

It has nothing to do with work. No suspect bested her in a fight. No criminal got off a lucky shot.

No…she was involved in a car crash when she left CBI last night.

She was merely driving home. No worries. No cases.

Just unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a car load of drunken kids lost control of their vehicle.

Something that could happen at any time on any day and be just as easily the cause of losing someone you love as pissing off a serial killer with an axe to grind.

She had been late leaving after finishing up the last of her paperwork and I had only said goodbye to her forty minutes prior to receiving the call from the hospital. They said that I was listed down as her contact.

I never knew she'd done that and I really wish that the occasion hadn't arisen for me to find out.

I shouldn't be surprised really, but in truth I'd forgotten how quickly life can kick you where it hurts when you're least expecting it. I guess this is penance for not always remembering.

The woman on the other end of the phone didn't give me any details, just that Lisbon was alive and 'doing as well as can be expected,' whatever the hell that means. I know she was just doing her job and that if SacPD were calling I'd have been dealing with a completely different set of circumstances _and_ emotions, but still…

I never want to go through anything close to those next thirty minutes of my life ever again. The complete agony of not knowing how badly she was hurt had me imagining all kinds of injuries and traumas that Lisbon could have sustained. That's one of the problems working within law enforcement. You get to see too much.

The relief was almost overwhelming when I finally got to see her and found she was relatively unscathed. Apart from being white as a sheet and having a slight bruise to her left cheek and a sprain to her left wrist, she looked good. To me anyway.

The police were there and she gave them a statement. She said she'd seen the other vehicle driving erratically towards her and had managed to swerve out of the way just in time to only receive a glancing hit to the side of her car. It had been enough of a knock to have her sustain her injuries but I knew it could have been much worse and so did she…I could see it in her eyes.

I must confess I didn't say much after that. I couldn't seem to force any words out as I tortured myself by playing out various little scenarios in my head that had altogether vastly different outcomes to the one I was bearing witness to. I just stood to the side and watched as she was treated by nurses and doctors, not able to meet the concerned glances that I knew she kept throwing my way. I don't think she's ever known me to be so quiet.

They finally declared her fit enough to leave at some ridiculous time early this morning and I offered to take her home. I think she agreed purely because she was just grateful that I'd finally spoken. She dozed on the way to her apartment building and when we arrived I gently nudged her awake. I walked her to her door, despite her protests, and made sure she went in safely.

I stood just staring at her closed door for what seemed like an eternity then finally went back to my car. It wasn't until I tried to put the key in the door lock that I realised I was shaking. Badly. I stopped and tried again but it was only on my third attempt that I finally opened my car. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I tried to place the key in the ignition but I eventually managed it and drove back here.

Back to CBI where I'm still sitting on my couch as I have been for the past few hours going over and over everything in my head.

This whole situation has scared the hell out of me and I can feel my new year's resolution shaking on its foundations and about to come tumbling down around my ears.

It's not that I don't love Lisbon…I do. Very much. Maybe even _too_ much. It's just that it's really hit me that if I were to lose her one day, I seriously doubt that I'd ever be able to drag myself out of the deep pit of despair I know I'd sink into.

There have been numerous times in the past that her life has been in danger and yet I've never felt the possibility of her loss more than right at this moment. I'm know being I'm completely irrational…as if facing the threat of danger at work every day is somehow not as terrifying as a random accident that I can do nothing to prevent.

But I can't help it.

It's frustrating and even now, I feel that I'm mentally distancing myself from her; that I _have_ been ever since I realised just how close she was to a head on collision that would most certainly have ended her life…and I can't seem to do anything to stop it no matter how much I want to because something is holding me back.

Something called cowardice.

And I know very well why I'm being so gutless. It's because I've already lost two people I love dearly and I can't…I _won't_ lose another. I _need_ to push her away in order to keep my sanity so that if that unthinkable day ever does come when I can't save her…it won't break me.

Not completely at least.

I suddenly notice the time and stand up. I can't be here when she arrives. I walk swiftly through the bullpen but just as I reach the other side, I hear the elevator ding and out she steps.

My love.

I stop where I am and watch her walk towards me. As she nears I can see that the bruising on her cheek has darkened considerably. It makes me feel sick to think of what could've happened.

"I didn't expect you to be here," she says quietly as she halts a few feet away from me. It's almost as though she knows I'll bolt if she gets any closer.

"I could say the same to you," I hedge, trying to supply a smile but failing miserably.

"I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me that a little time and make up won't fix," she says with a small smile. "What about you? Did you even get any sleep after you dropped me off?"

I look down and hear her sigh. There's a moment's pause and then she says something that surprises me, even though it really shouldn't.

"Look, I know you were scared last night, Jane, I was too. But I'm here and I'm OK and right now I'm far more worried that you've spent all night thinking yourself round in circles and are going to start pulling away from me again. I didn't like it the last time and I won't put up with it now," she tells me in no uncertain terms. "We've gone past that, haven't we? I thought we were friends again."

"We are," I'm quick to assure her. Whatever else, I always want her to know that.

"So I didn't just catch you trying to leave before I turned up then?" she questions wryly.

My dear, lovely, Teresa. So astute. I forget that she knows me better than I know myself at times. She probably sensed my withdrawal from her before I realised I was doing it myself. That would explain her being here earlier than I'd expected. Always there to steady me when I falter.

I see a sad kind of understanding in her eyes that makes me feel ashamed for even contemplating the idea of running away and I shake my head. "I was just about to make myself a cup of tea," I lie. "Why don't you go to your office and I'll get you a coffee too?"

She nods but I can see her hesitation. She's not sure if she can believe me and despite the fact that not five minutes ago she would have been right in her assumption, it still hurts.

"I won't be long, I promise," I say as I 'shoo' her away.

She goes this time and I head to the break room. I think over what she said as I prepare our drinks and it hits me how she's once again, selflessly, come to the rescue of our friendship. How, after everything that she went through last night, all she cares about is me.

It's a humbling thought and the more I think about my behaviour, the more I grow disgusted with myself for even entertaining the idea of pulling away from her again. Because, really, how can I expect Teresa to give me her heart if I'm not prepared to give her _all_ of mine in return?

I can't keep a part of it back just _in case_ something happens, that's simply not fair to either of us. And to be honest, I no longer want to hold anything back. I know with Teresa my heart will be safe. I just have to convince her that I can keep hers safe too.

I straighten slightly and smile. I like my new resolve. I find it stiffens my spine and gives me courage.

I finish making the drinks and carry them over to her office. The door is open so I walk straight in and place the cups down on her desk before perching myself on the corner next to her. She gives me a grateful smile, although it's debateable whether it's for the coffee or the fact that I came back, then turns her attention back to a small mirror that she's holding.

I see her looking at her bruised cheek critically and notice a make-up brush in her hand poised to deliver, what I assume is, some kind of covering powder.

"It doesn't look that bad," I offer by way of some comfort.

"It doesn't look that good," she retorts with a grimace.

"I'm just glad you're OK. When I got that call last night…" I break off unable to find the words to adequately convey my feelings.

"Jane…" she begins with a softness in her voice that I just don't deserve.

"You were right just now," I cut in. "I was going to run away, to distance myself, all those things I usually do."

She looks surprised at my candour. "So why didn't you?" she asks, a much cooler edge to her tone now.

Confronted with having to be completely honest, I find my compulsion to protect myself come back to the fore and instead of telling her the truth, I blurt out glibly, "I'm still waiting for that dinner I won at the auction."

I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth and from the flicker of disappointment that crosses Lisbon's face as she looks away, I know that she isn't too impressed either.

I give myself a mental kick upside the head and wonder where my backbone suddenly disappeared to. I'm pretty certain it was there a minute ago.

Whole heart, remember? No holding back. I am determined to be brave.

"To be perfectly honest, Lisbon," I say, drawing her attention once more. "I stayed because…I don't want to be that man anymore."

I refuse to allow any of my masks to fall. I want her to know that I'm telling her the absolute truth. She blinks those big green eyes of hers and a slow grin appears on her beautiful face. The movement, however, seems to give her a painful reminder of her injury and she winces slightly as she turns back to the mirror.

She raises the brush and just as she's about to apply the first dusting, I impulsively reach out and snatch it from her grasp then throw the offending object in the bin.

"What do you think you're doing?" she asks, an adorable frown gracing her features.

"You don't need that, Teresa," I tell her. I reach out again and gently trail my forefinger down the side of her injured cheek then continue on round until it rests snugly under her chin. "You look beautiful…as always."

I see her eyes widen and her cheeks grow very red and I know I should just leave it now. That even though she hasn't vocally protested, I shouldn't push my luck…or her, but I've never been one to do the sensible thing so, instead of letting go, I tilt her head up slightly and lean forward.

Her eyes flicker shut just as I brush my lips tenderly against the top of her smooth, soft cheek. I only intend to kiss her once but as soon as I break contact the scent of her fresh, clean skin calls me back and I find myself leaning in again. Unable to help myself, I repeat my actions over and over as I carefully kiss my way down the entire bruised area making sure I only give the barest of touches so that I don't accidentally hurt her.

Once I reach her jaw, I finally force myself to pull back. I can feel my face must be just as flushed as hers is and it's only now that I panic slightly and wonder how my bold move will be received. Maybe she won't be the only one sporting a bruised face today.

Her eyes slowly flutter open and I am at a loss to know what she is thinking.

"Is that supposed to make it all better?" she asks. She does a good job of hiding the slight tremor in her voice but I hear it anyway and mentally applaud her attempt at composure. It's far better than I would have done if she'd ambushed me this way.

I should just take her words as face value but I have a strong feeling she means more than just her cheek and I don't want to disappoint her with my answer this time.

"No, but I think…I hope that it's a start," I say softly.

"It is," she assures me with a small smile.

I have yet to remove my hand from her chin and as we continue to simply look at each other I'm sorely tempted to lean back in and kiss her properly this time.

The sudden sound of the elevator announcing its arrival at our floor is an unwelcome intrusion and, with an apologetic smile, I reluctantly let her go as I hear the voices of the rest of the team punctuate the air.

I stand and pick up my cup and saucer then take a couple of steps back so there's a respectable distance between us while she feigns interest in her computer just as Cho pops his head through the open doorway.

"Morning, Boss," he greets then pauses when he sees her face and comes in the office to ask, "What happened to you?"

I stand quietly by as she explains about the accident and although I still feel that familiar flash of fear of what might have transpired if her reactions had been a fraction slower, I'm relieved to find it's no longer accompanied by the urge to distance myself.

Well, not an uncontrollable urge anyway. It's still there, I can feel it. I just have a much stronger desire to ignore it now.

I sip my tea and it comes as something of a revelation to me to realise that I probably need this year as much to come to terms with some of my own demons as I do to fulfil my resolution.

It's a sobering thought and not something I'd anticipated if I'm honest.

"You OK?" she suddenly asks me with a trace of concern.

I realise that while I've been contemplating my life, Cho has left and we are alone again. "Never better," I assure her with a smile. "You?"

She smiles back. "I'm good." She pauses and from her hesitation and sudden colour in her cheeks, I think I can guess what's coming. "About what happened…"

"Yes?" I encourage her with a smile when she pauses.

Unlike the time I said I loved her, I'm quite happy to talk about this now, if she can find the nerve to ask me about it. The trick with Lisbon is to offer her breadcrumbs and if she chooses to follow it's all well and good, if she doesn't…I know to back off and bide my time.

She stares at me for what feels like ages and just when I think she's going to broach the subject of our…interlude, Cho walks into the office again.

"Am I interrupting something?" he asks, as he looks between the two of us with a quirked eyebrow.

"No, of course not," Lisbon replies, professional as ever. "What is it?"

He tells us of a new case that has just come in and I go to the break room to rinse out my cup in readiness to leave. As I turn to head back out, Lisbon appears in the doorway and, after a cursory glance behind her, she steps into the room.

"So…when we close this case, how about we have that dinner you paid so much for?" she asks. Her attempt at nonchalance is spoiled only by the fact that she then bites nervously on her bottom lip.

"Sure," I reply with a grin. "It's a date."

She reddens slightly at my words but, notably, doesn't contradict me. Instead, she gives me a little smile and walks away.

My psychic abilities may be completely fake but after receiving such a tempting incentive, there's one prediction I know for certain will come true today…I'm going to have this case closed in record time.

END CHAPTER 3


	4. April

_"So girl come on,  
You got it wrong"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**April 8th – 2.12pm**

"Lisbon, just admit you were wrong!" I say as I follow the irate agent hurrying along the corridor to her office. "Come on, you'll feel much better, I promise you."

"No," she snaps back curtly over her shoulder.

"Lisbon," I whine. I know it's childish but it does rile her up so.

"Shut up!"

I reach her office just as the door slams in my face. I instinctively jerk back a little then open the door and go in.

"If the door's shut you're supposed to stay on the outside," she tells me angrily.

"Since when?" I ask, astonished.

She looks like she could throttle me with her bare hands.

"Since forever, Jane."

I roll my eyes. Obviously, that's a stupid thing to say. There's no such thing as forever but I doubt she would be pleased if I pointed that out to her right about now.

"It doesn't matter, I'm here now and we're alone so you can just admit that I won. None of the team need ever know if that's what you want. My lips are sealed. I promise."

I make a gesture to show I'm locking my mouth and throwing away the key. She lets out a very unladylike snort and shakes her head as she sits on her chair.

"Oh please, don't make promises you can't keep. If you kept your mouth shut more I'd have a lot less paperwork and a whole lot pleasanter life."

Ouch. But true. I place a hand over my heart and adopt a deeply hurt expression.

"I'm wounded, Lisbon, truly," I say, although clearly I'm not. "Is it just that you don't want to pay me the forfeit? Because I haven't even told you what it is yet. You might find you like it."

"No, it's because there must be some mistake," she states irritably before turning her attention to her computer and adding, "Now, get out!"

From the stubborn set of her chin, I decide that retreat is the best option at this time and go to the door. When I get there I turn around to look at her and place a parting shot across her bow.

"Alright fine, I'll go, but your refusal to admit you're wrong doesn't set a good example to the rest of the team. I'm disappointed in you, Lisbon," I say loud enough to be heard in the bullpen.

If looks could kill I'd be all kinds of dead right now. I smile and close the door on her furious face then go and make my self a refreshing cup of tea. I take it back to the bullpen and sit down comfortably on my couch.

"Nicely played," says Cho from somewhere behind his ever present book.

"Thanks," I reply with a grin.

"I think you're mean," Van Pelt lets me know but the smile she's biting back tells me that she doesn't really disapprove.

"The boss should know better than to make a wager with you," Rigsby declares with a shake of his head.

"Well, in all fairness, most sane people would think the woman holding the smoking gun would be responsible for killing her husband; not the cute family pet," I say in Lisbon's defence.

"How did you even know that?" Van Pelt asks in wonder.

I lean forward and look around surreptitiously as if I'm about to impart some information of great import. Van Pelt's eyes widen fractionally and she leans towards me, all ears.

"The dog had an air of guilt about it that was hard to ignore, Grace," I say seriously.

She stares at me for a moment then blinks and shakes her head with an expression of exasperation as my words sink in.

"Why do I even bother?" she mutters to herself as she looks away and gets on with her work.

I wonder that sometimes myself. I glance over at the two men and take a sip of my tea as Rigsby does a miserable job of hiding his smile and Cho…well, he's still reading that book of his but if the slight tremor is anything to go by I think he enjoyed it too.

I take another sip of my drink and wait patiently for Lisbon to come to me. I know she will. She'll read through that autopsy report again and again until she finally admits to herself that I did indeed name the correct perpetrator. The fact that it's indirectly down to a dog shouldn't be an issue. She agreed to the bet and however much it pains her, she'll honour it eventually. Unlike myself, her morals are intact.

As I hold my cup, I let my mind wander back over the past few weeks. We never did go out to dinner. We had another case waiting for us when we got back to the office. It involved an abusive father and his family. It wasn't nice and I know it dredged up a whole load of painful memories for Lisbon. I tried to get her to talk but she'd have none of it and I could see her withdrawing back into her protective shell as the long investigation progressed. I know it's what she needed to do to get through it. I mean, who am I to criticise? Pot, kettle, that old adage. But I would have still liked to have offered her some comfort. As a friend, if nothing else.

Once we nailed the bastard bang to rights, she was almost back to her normal self within a day or so…except with me. The closeness I thought we'd managed to attain had somehow slipped away without me even realising. I'm swiftly becoming aware that Lisbon has a way of doing that. While I was obsessed with Red John, I selfishly hadn't really noticed this little trait of hers…now I'm obsessed with her, it's just downright annoying.

I waited for her to broach the subject of our delayed dinner again. Two weeks later and I'm still waiting. And I'm as ticked off as all hell.

Which is why I decided to make that wager today.

It's a stupid, inane attempt at grabbing her attention whilst trying to push my resolution up a notch or two…and, if I'm honest, it gives me no end of amusement.

It was perfect and I knew she'd take me up on it. How could she not when it appeared to be a dead certainty that she'd win? Really, that should have tipped her off from the start. She's still so wonderfully naïve when it comes to some of my games at times.

Makes me love her all the more.

I hear Lisbon's office door open and her footsteps marching along the corridor to the bullpen. Van Pelt and Rigsby duck their heads and seem to shrink a little in their chairs at her approach whereas Cho finally closes his book and openly watches what's about to happen.

I put down my cup as she comes to stand in front of me and I look up with a pleasant smile.

"OK, you were right. I don't know how you figured it out but apparently tripping over the dog the day before and cracking the side of his head is what ultimately killed him," she tells me with slight chagrin.

"Which means?" I enquire, just to make her spell it out.

Her eyes narrow angrily and her mouth thins into a tight line as a frown marks her beautiful countenance.

"Which means, you win, Jane," she replies.

Her stilted, irate tone leaves me in no doubt that if it weren't for the team bearing witness, I'd probably be sporting a bloody nose right about now.

"Time to pay the forfeit," says Cho, ever helpful.

I'm always impressed at how he never wilts under the Lisbon glare. If he's bothered by it then he certainly never shows it and I can't help but feel a certain affinity with the stoic agent. The fact that more often than not he's on my side with these small diversions helps too. He's a good man. I like him.

Lisbon's deep sigh brings my attention back to her and I see that she's reaching into her pocket for her wallet.

"OK, how much?" she asks with a touch of resignation.

"Oh, I don't want your money," I say with a shake of my head.

She pauses with her wallet still open and, after a moment or two, her expression changes to one of suspicion.

"What do you want then?" she asks a little apprehensively. I can't say I blame her.

"I'll have a think about it and let you know later," I reply with a grin.

I'm delighted to see that her face is a study in barely contained frustration as I turn away from her and make a show of settling down on my couch for a nap, complete with yawn and everything.

"Jerk," I hear her mutter under her breath and then listen to her footsteps fade away.

It's amusing to note that even her walk sounds angry.

I can almost feel the stares of the rest of the team boring into my head but I refuse to acknowledge any of them. Very soon they get on with whatever work, or book, they have and normal service is resumed.

I smile to myself when I think of how Lisbon will spend the next few hours attempting to work and not think about what her forfeit might entail. If I judge it right, by the time I make my request she'll be almost ready to snap.

I pretend to sleep for the rest of the afternoon and actually do manage to doze off for an hour or so at one point. When I awake, Rigsby and Van Pelt have already gone home, together if the way they've been trying not to look as though they're looking at each other for the past three days is anything to go by and Cho is just leaving.

He bids me goodnight and I nod back then wait until I'm certain he's left. As soon as the elevator door shuts, I'm on my feet and heading for Lisbon's office. The door is open and I walk straight in to find her signing a stack of paperwork. She tenses, her pen pausing in its task for the tiniest of moments but it's enough for me to notice and know she's been dreading my arrival.

"Don't you ever knock?" she asks grumpily.

"What is it with you and doors today?" I ask slightly baffled. "First I'm meant to stay outside and now I'm supposed to knock? It's like I'm in The Twilight Zone."

"It's not the door I have a problem with," she retorts as she signs another piece of paper.

I ignore the barb then walk around her desk and hold out my hand for her to take. She stops writing and stares at it as if it might bite her. I give her my best grin then waggle my fingers encouragingly and she reluctantly drops her pen and clasps my hand.

"What?" she queries cautiously as I pull her up to stand in front of me.

"I've decided on your forfeit," I say with barely contained glee.

Her face takes on a pained expression and I know she's thinking all sorts of horrible things. Hopefully this won't be one of them.

"What is it?" she asks warily.

"Dinner," I reply nonchalantly. I feel her relax and then, just because I want to see that delightful blush of hers, I tap a finger to my lips and add, "And one kiss…right here."

I expected her to be surprised by my request, shocked even but when I hear her start to laugh, I have to confess I feel a little offended.

"You're kidding, right?" she questions in a disbelieving tone. "No! I won't do it."

"The dinner or the kiss?" I try to clarify.

"Both!"

"You do disappoint me, Lisbon, I never figured you as someone to renege on a bet," I comment casually.

"I don't renege on bets," she refutes heatedly. "Unless they're used to coerce me into doing something I don't want to do!"

"Oh, come on, where's the harm? Live a little. It's not as though it means anything…right?"

"…No," she agrees, but I hear the pause and see the telltale blush that starts to spread over her cheeks. It gives me hope.

"So what's the problem?" I ask with a smile as I take a step closer to her. "I'm paying for dinner and a kiss won't cost you anything."

"Except my dignity," she inserts dryly.

"You know, Lisbon, I'm beginning to think that your refusal to kiss me is because you know that once you start, you won't be able to stop," I goad softly.

"Go to hell!" she snaps pulling her hand from mine angrily.

I had only meant for it to be a joke to illicit more of that adorable blush but the way her face reddens drastically coupled with her defensive behaviour has me wondering if I've somehow managed to hit a nerve.

Interesting.

I take another step closer. She doesn't move away but my nearness is unnerving her now. I can tell from the way she can't quite look me in the eyes. Cornered Lisbon is unpredictable though and the question I ask myself is…should I push her just that little bit more? Or should I just leave it?

Instinct tells me to leave it. If I push her it might set us back even further and no matter how much I want to kiss her right now, I have to think long term.

"Do you want me to take my toothbrush this time?" I ask, with a smile, deliberately lightening the moment.

She looks at me then and after a moment she relaxes and a little smile plays on her lips.

"Maybe an overnight bag?" she suggests lightly.

I grin, glad to see that she no longer looks quite so flustered now that we're back on familiar ground.

"About dinner…" I begin but she cuts me off.

"I'm sorry but I can't tonight, Jane, I've arranged to meet up with an old friend," she tells me regrettably and I feel a sudden sharp stab of jealousy to my heart.

What old friend? And is he male?

"Oh?" I manage to force out.

"Yeah, I haven't seen her in months otherwise I'd cancel. Can I take a rain check?" she queries as she looks at her watch and quickly turns to switch her computer off.

"Of course," I say, relieved to hear that her friend is a she. "What's one more?"

She suddenly stops to look at me and I can't quite make out what's going on in that cryptic mind of hers.

"I do want to have that dinner, Jane," she says. "I know it didn't happen last time but that McLean case…it got to me and I just…"

"You don't have to explain, Teresa, I understand," I assure her with a warm smile. "Really."

She knows that I do and nods abruptly before going back to tidying her desk in readiness to leave for the evening. I turn and go to the break room make myself a pot of tea. Cup and saucer in hand I head back to my second best girl and settle myself down on her for the night. She might not be the ideal conversationalist but her warm embrace sure does take a lot of beating.

I finish my drink and place the cup by the side of my couch just as Lisbon leaves her office.

"Goodnight, Lisbon, enjoy yourself this evening," I call out as I lie down and close my eyes.

I find it odd that she doesn't reply and it takes me a few seconds to realise that her footsteps are coming towards me rather than heading away. I open my eyes just as she comes to a stop by my couch then, without warning, she bends down and touches her lips to mine. It's brief and soft and leaves me wanting more as she pulls back slightly then, to my delight, she dips down towards me again.

I'm ready for her this time and I raise my hand to gently cup the back of her head as I eagerly kiss her back. My heart is thumping and pulse is racing as I finally get a proper taste of those enticing lips. They're soft and demanding and as desperately as I want to deepen our kiss, I know I have to hold myself back. I have to let her lead.

We part once more and I feel bereft as she stands back up and looks down at me with a surprised expression on her flushed face. She obviously hadn't intended the second kiss to happen and isn't quite sure how to deal with it. I remain silent so that she can gather her thoughts. I don't want to spoil the moment now.

"I…uh…I told you that I don't renege on bets," she finally says primly.

So, she's going with that excuse is she?

"And I told you that you wouldn't be able to stop at just one kiss," I reply a trifle smugly.

I expect the kick to the couch and welcome it gladly before she turns to go.

"Goodnight, Teresa," I say once more in a jovial tone.

"Ass," comes back her irritated reply.

I watch her walk away with a grin on my face and give her a wave as she glances back at me before getting into the elevator. She might have said it was about the bet but it's what she didn't say that is important; there was no coercion from where I lay.

I lie back down and let out a contented sigh. Whether she realises it or not, Teresa Lisbon has just let me know that she wants me.

Now I just have to get her to admit it to herself.

END CHAPTER 4


	5. May

_"To prove I'm right,  
I put it in a song"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**May 10th – 8.09am**

I'm finally taking Lisbon out to dinner tonight.

I've been half expecting a new case to come up and delay our plans again but so far it all seems to be going OK. I'm on my way to pick her up now and we're going to a restaurant I know on the other side of town.

Lisbon said that I could decide where to go. I'm pleased about that. It shows a certain amount of trust in my choice…and also that she isn't as adverse to the possibility that I might take her back to my place as she so obviously was to Carlton.

Tempting as that idea is though, I want to get this right. I would say that I want everything to be perfect but as perfection never happens I'll go for faultless instead.

Things have been…different between us since the night she kissed me. We haven't spoken about it, naturally, that just wouldn't be us. As far as Lisbon is concerned she simply paid part of her forfeit. I let her think that as it'd be pointless to try and convince her otherwise. She can be very stubborn at times.

Things have changed though. Subtle, inconsequential things that other people wouldn't even notice…but I do. The odd touch here, a small smile there, not being quite so frowny with me. She's even taken to making me a pot of tea every now and then. She doesn't tell me. Just gives me a look when she leaves the break room and I know.

It's the little things.

I arrive at her apartment block and quickly make my way to her door. I knock twice and wait impatiently for her to answer. The door opens and when I see her, she quite literally takes my breath away. The simple knee length jade dress does everything to compliment her figure and her eyes and I find myself grinning like an idiot.

"Hi. You look lovely, Teresa," I say, unable and, quite frankly, unwilling to look away. "Really. Stunning."

"Thanks," she replies as she blushes slightly and dips her head in that sweet way of hers before looking me up and down appreciatively. "You too. New suit?"

You see? Little things. Who else would notice that considering I wear one every day?

"Yes," I reply before leaning towards her conspiratorially and adding, "It's a special occasion."

The warm colour invades her cheeks once again and I begin to wonder how many more times I'll be able to elicit such a response this evening. I hold out the crook of my arm to her with a smile.

"Shall we?"

She locks her door then takes my arm and we head to my 'contraption' as she so enjoys calling it. Once we get in and are on our way, we partake in chitchat about the case we've just closed. I'm happy to talk about work for the moment but I hope to steer our conversation to a more personal level once we're having dinner.

We reach the restaurant and after I find a space to park, we go in. I've been here before but Lisbon hasn't so I'm hoping that she likes this place as much as I do.

"This looks great," she comments with a smile as she takes in the ambience.

It's not a large restaurant. There's a small stage with a live band playing soothing music at one end with a small area for dancing in front of it. Some dining tables fill the rest of the space in the middle and around the outside, along the walls, are some cosy looking, high backed booths. I've asked for one of those tonight because they will give us the chance of some privacy without being too intimate.

I have to tread carefully. In my head this is a date. In hers I know she views this evening as just something she must do because of the auction. I'm sure she wouldn't be quite so relaxed if she thought it were anything more.

The waiter shows us to a booth in the corner and takes our drinks order then leaves us a menu and walks away. As I sit opposite her I let my gaze roam over her lovely face while she looks around the restaurant with interest.

"How did you find this place?" she asks, bringing her eyes back to mine.

"It was after a case a while back," I reveal with a shrug. "I saw a sign advertising the band and came in. I used to come here sometimes when things got a little…too much at work."

Her eyes cloud over slightly as I remind us both of a time we'd rather forget and I sigh as I realise I've been remiss about doing something I should have done a long time ago.

"You know, I don't think I ever apologised to you about Lorelei. About a lot of things I did, and said, back then," I say contritely.

I do my best to quash the guilt that comes with remembering my, at times, despicable behaviour towards the woman I love and once again find myself humbled at her vast capability for forgiveness. I don't know where she keeps it in that tiny body of hers but I know it's there somewhere because she's shaking her head before I've even finished speaking.

"You don't have to. It's done. It's over. He's gone. Let's just move on," she tells me sincerely.

"I'm trying to," I assure her with a small smile. Her hand is resting on the table and I reach across to lay mine gently over hers as I add, "But I know my actions hurt you, Teresa, and for that I'm truly sorry. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do."

I can feel her tense a little and wait for the denials to come or for her to remove her hand but, to my surprise and happiness, she doesn't do any of these. Instead, she slowly runs her thumb along mine and looks at me so intently I feel my heart skip a beat.

"It was hard for all of us back then. We both said and did things we regret but I'm just glad we made it out the other side relatively unscathed," she says seriously.

I know what she's referring to and I can't have her thinking like that over me.

"You shouldn't regret killing Red John," I tell her decisively.

"I don't," she says but then she looks down and pulls her hand away from beneath mine. "But I am sorry that he couldn't stand trial so that you'd perhaps get some closure."

I can almost see her building up the emotional walls and retreating behind them as our conversation takes a turn I hadn't been expecting. I do my best to hide my frustration and try to put her mind at rest a little.

"I got my closure the moment you shot him in the head, Lisbon," I say wryly.

She looks surprised.

"Really?" she queries hesitantly. "I thought you blamed me for taking your chance at avenging your family away from you."

I sigh again. I had suspected she felt like this. It's long past time we had this conversation and while I didn't really want to do it now, in reality it's probably not a bad thing to finally clear the air once and for all. There are some things I need to say and while they may hurt, I know that I have to be completely honest for my own sake as well as hers. It's yet another step in my progress of healing and moving on…and I hope in hers too.

"Oh, I did blame you. I think I even hated you at one point," I reply candidly. She looks shocked and upset but now I've started I need to tell her everything about that time. "But those feelings didn't last long. I'm not stupid, Teresa. Petulant and childish that I didn't get my own way, maybe, but deep down I knew that how it ended was the right way. I still got my revenge and I still had my life. It was like a huge weight had been lifted and I don't believe I ever even thanked you for it."

"There's no need…" she begins again but I won't let her finish.

"Yes! There is a need," I tell her firmly. She stops and looks at me and I smile back at her affectionately, trying to let her see just how much she means to me. "If it wasn't for you I'd have lost myself years ago, Teresa. So…thank you."

She doesn't get a chance to respond, which is probably a relief to her as she looks kind of speechless at my words, because the moment is broken by the return of the waiter with our bottle of wine. We continue to stare at each other as the man busily fills our glasses with a flourish and waits patiently for me to have a taste. I find the whole thing a little annoying as it means that I have to take my eyes off of the woman opposite me but I do as expected and give him a nod of assent.

He seems pleased and asks if we're ready to order. Since we haven't even glanced at the menu yet I tell him no. He looks a little chagrined at this and tells us rather pointedly that he'll be back to take it soon.

Lisbon looks at me in amusement when the man leaves and I grin back.

"I did say I came here for the band," I point out dryly as I pick up the menu and hand it to her.

She takes it from me and begins to read while I have some more of my wine and look casually around the room. I notice a young couple entering the restaurant then do a double take and almost choke on my drink when I suddenly realise that it's Rigsby and Van Pelt.

My stomach drops and I glance at Lisbon. She's still reading the menu and I hope she stays like that until the other couple are seated…preferably at another restaurant.

Unfortunately, this is all my fault. I told Rigsby about this place a couple of weeks ago. I just can't believe he's picked tonight of all nights to come. What rotten timing. For all of us.

I watch a waiter lead them our way and feel my insides sink further and further down. I'm not worried about them seeing us. I'm worried about Lisbon seeing them and realising that they've gotten back together as I'd suspected. They've been much more discreet about it this time though, I have to give them that.

They are almost at our booth when they finally see me and come to an abrupt halt. The smiles on their faces freeze then fade completely when their gazes slide across the table and spy Lisbon. The look of horror that replaces their once happy countenances would be mildly amusing if Lisbon didn't happen to look up and notice them at the exact same time.

"Rigsby? Van Pelt? What are you doing here?" she asks with some confusion.

As much as it pains me and will probably ruin my evening, as well as my chances with Lisbon, I know there's only one thing I can do in this situation.

"Oh, I invited them," I blurt out cheerfully as I stand up, drawing all their surprised looks. I request another couple of glasses and more wine then send the bemused waiter on his way before I turn back and continue, "We didn't get a chance for pizza after closing the Daniels case yesterday so it seemed a good idea to do it tonight, since we were here for dinner anyway."

Obviously, I play 'inconsiderate jackass' really well if the disappointment and annoyance I see flare briefly on Lisbon's face is anything to go by. She looks at the couple then back at me and produces, what I can tell is, a very forced smile to her lips.

"It is a good idea," she says suddenly glancing around before turning back to me to ask pointedly, "Where's Cho?"

"He said he couldn't make it," I reply dismissively.

I look at Rigsby and gesture for he and Van Pelt to take my side of the booth. As they settle themselves in, I gaze at Lisbon and point to the seat next to her. She frowns then tuts in irritation before moving up a little so that I can sit down.

I slide in next to her and relish the warm feel of her leg against mine as I sit just that little bit too close. I hear the smallest of catches in her breathing and, under the guise of making myself comfortable, I budge up just that tiny bit more so that we're touching almost from hip to knee. Maybe this turn of events isn't so bad after all.

"Well, this is cosy," I remark as I grin at everyone around the table.

Rigsby and Van Pelt look as if they want a large hole to swallow them up and Lisbon alternates between giving them suspicious little glances and trying not to look me in the eyes. I push the menu across the table and the younger couple gratefully become absorbed in deciding what to eat.

Our waiter returns, a slight rise of his eyebrows the only indication that he's surprised there's now four at our table and we order our food.

"You didn't even look at the menu," Lisbon observes, finally looking at me properly.

"I have the same thing every time I come here," I reply. "I'm a creature of habit, you know that."

"Creature of obsession, more like," she snorts wryly.

"That's true," I agree with a nod as I look at her keenly. "Once I decide I want something, I'll pursue it until I get it. Sometimes it takes a while, but I haven't failed yet."

I see a hint of uncertainty in her eyes as she gazes back at me. I can tell she's trying to decipher if there's more to my words than just face value. I smile at her softly and her uncertainty turns to perplexity, which makes me grin even more. I do so love confounding the woman.

A quiet clearing of the throat from across the table reminds me that we're not actually alone and I reluctantly break eye contact. Rigsby and Van Pelt are looking at us as if trying to work out what's going on so I do what I do best and cause mischief.

"So, Grace, I saw Harris from Fraud today. He asked me about you again. I think he's potential marriage material if you're interested," I state innocently.

It's not a lie. I did see Harris and he did ask about Grace. He also asked about Lisbon but I'm not telling her that. Besides, I effectively shut him down on having any salacious ideas about either woman. He's an obnoxious worm who tries to bat way above his average and I told him that, among other things.

I look at the younger couple but can't quite decide who looks most aghast at my comment. I take a sip of my wine to hide my smile. Just because I saved them from being found out, doesn't mean I can't play with them a little.

Rigsby shoots Van Pelt a faintly accusing glare.

"Harris, eh?" he comments trying, and failing, for nonchalance.

Van Pelt shakes her head and opens her mouth to defend herself, I'm guessing, but the waiter returns with their glasses and another bottle of wine. Once he leaves, Lisbon starts to talk about work and we pretty much stay on that topic throughout the rest of the dinner. It's a safe subject and I don't try to derail it.

After finishing our meal with a very decadent dessert, Lisbon excuses herself to go to the bathroom and Van Pelt goes with her while I ask for the check.

"Thanks, Jane," says Rigsby with quiet gratitude once we're alone. "It was a close call tonight. I owe you one."

I like that he doesn't try to make some ridiculous excuse for his being out with Van Pelt this evening.

"Forget it. If you want to be with Grace then you should be. Life's too short," I reply with a shrug. "What's that old saying? Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do."

Rigsby stares at me like I'm mad for a moment then shakes his head.

"Dude, that's from a song," he says bluntly.

Huh. I thought I knew it from somewhere. Oh, well, potato, potahto.

"Meh, it's the sentiment that counts," I dismiss with a wave of my hand.

Rigsby chuckles and the waiter returns with the check. I pay for dinner, leave a healthy tip then we get up and go to wait for our women. They join us moments later and we all leave the restaurant together. Everything considered, it's actually been an enjoyable evening, albeit not the one I initially had planned.

Once outside we bid each other good night then go our separate ways. I automatically place my hand on Lisbon's back as I guide her towards my car. We get in and I drive her back to her apartment. She's quiet for most of the journey, but it's a comfortable silence and not an awkward one as I had been fearing.

We reach her apartment block and I escort her to her door. She digs around in her purse and pulls out her key then turns to me with a slight frown.

"Rigsby and Van Pelt are back together again, aren't they?" she queries wryly. I must look as though I'm about to lie because she adds quickly, "And don't bother trying to deny it, Jane, I'm not stupid."

She's not and I won't. Instead, I give her a brief nod of assent and look down. I don't want to see them split up again and I think if it came to it, one of them would definitely leave the team to ensure that wouldn't happen this time. Either option doesn't appeal to me as I've come to view them almost as family now.

"What are you going to do?" I ask soberly, raising my gaze to hers.

"Me? Nothing," she replies to my surprise. "As far as I'm concerned I just had dinner with my team because we closed a case."

That's my girl.

"Why, Lisbon, I do believe I'm rubbing off on you," I say with a grin of delight.

"You don't have to say it as if it were a good thing," she grumbles good-naturedly.

I laugh then, impulsively, I lean forward and give her a kiss on the cheek. When I draw back, she looks disconcerted and a little embarrassed at my unexpected display of affection.

"Don't look so worried, Lisbon, that's how all dates are supposed to end," I tell her lightly.

I reach out and take her key from her hand, making sure I let my fingers linger on hers just a bit longer than necessary. Her answering smile fades and a different kind of tension begins to crackle in the air surrounding us. I lean forward and open her door then give her back her key and step aside so that she can go in.

Instead of entering, she suddenly looks at me with something close to determination in her eyes, as though she'd just reached some important decision, and I brace myself for whatever she says next. To say I'm surprised in an understatement when she doesn't speak, but moves closer to me and places her hand on my shoulder instead. Before I have time to realise her intention, she reaches up and presses a soft, sweet kiss to my mouth. My eyes close as our lips move languidly against each other and I savour every second of the all too brief meeting.

"No, Jane, that's how a date is supposed to end," she refutes softly as she breaks away long before I'm ready for her to stop.

I draw in a shaky breath and open my eyes to see that she's moved to her doorway, ready to go in. There's a look on her face that's a mixture of triumph and trepidation and I realise she's not quite sure how I'll react.

"I'll make sure I remember that next time," I promise with a sudden grin as I try to slow down my thundering heart. Really, the woman should come with a warning. She all but kills me every time I sample those delectable lips of hers. I'm certain she'll finish me off for good if we ever do anything more.

She gives me one of those precious smiles of hers that does nothing to slow my pulse and everything to make me want her more then goes into her apartment. Holding the door, she turns to look at me.

"Goodnight, Patrick, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Teresa," I reply and watch her close the door.

Once I hear the lock click into place, I go back to my car with a huge smile on my face and a heart that's feeling lighter than it has in years. Although the evening wasn't what I expected, it's ended up being even better than I hoped. I'm not saying we're a couple or that she loves me…yet. I know I still have to take it slowly, even though she did make more of a move than I did tonight…

The realisation pulls me up short.

Huh.

I get into my car and pause as an odd thought suddenly pops into my head.

After that kiss and the way she acted…I'm beginning to wonder just who is wooing whom.

END CHAPTER 5


	6. June

_"I don't know why you're being shy,  
And turn away when I look into your eyes"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**June 12th – 5.55am**

Something's wrong with Lisbon.

I can't quite work out what it is yet, but it obviously has something to do with me.

I look over to where she's speaking to the man who found the dead body at my feet and let out a sigh of frustration.

Ever since I arrived at this crime scene she's been avoiding me. Apart from a barely spoken acknowledgment of my presence, there's been nothing. No fleeting touches, no smiles…she won't even look at me.

I didn't take much notice at first. I put her offhanded manner down to the fact that it's ridiculously early, it takes over an hour to get here to the National Park and the victim has been murdered in a particularly barbaric way. It's never pleasant to see limbs missing.

But the longer I'm here, the more aware I am of the marked change in her behaviour towards me.

I must confess it concerns me a little. Actually, it concerns me a great deal. Especially as we had our second 'date' last night.

It wasn't something I'd planned, we've been far too busy, it was just good timing for once. A case had closed quicker than anticipated when the murderer confessed, surprisingly easily even if I do say so myself, and I'd quickly taken the opportunity to suggest we get something to eat. She had agreed with a smile and we'd gone to a local diner. It was the only thing open at that reasonably late hour but to me, however trite it sounds, just the two of us alone spending some quality time together, talking, laughing…it felt like we were dining at a five star restaurant.

I'd walked her back to her car in the CBI parking lot and she'd turned to face me with a smile.

"Thanks for dinner, Jane, I had a nice time. See you tomorrow," she'd said then turned to go but I wasn't about to let her leave just like that.

"Wait, Lisbon, technically this was a date," I'd told her with a grin. "And if memory serves, you showed me exactly how one should end not so long ago."

I'd thought for a moment that she would make some sardonic comment and leave but she'd slowly turned back to me and tilted her head to the side as if assessing my words.

"You're right, I did," she'd replied, the slightly higher tone of her voice the only giveaway that she wasn't as composed as she pretended to be.

My grin had widened at the almost challenging look in her eyes and I'd gladly accepted it. I'd purposely clasped my hands behind my back so as not to touch her anywhere but her lips. I wanted all her focus to be on our kiss and nothing else. Slowly, I'd leaned forward, watching the way her eyes closed and she tilted her head back so that I might reach my prize easier. I finally placed my lips on hers and had felt a jolt of pure desire race through my body.

I shouldn't feel like that from just a simple kiss…but with Lisbon I just do. I can't explain why, I don't even want to try. I just know that I want to feel that way for the rest of my sorry days on this earth. Especially when it's one of those amazing, leisurely kisses that holds the promise of so much more, as last night's was…

She's really good at those.

And that's why her coldness this morning is like a kick to the gut. I don't know what I've done; all I know is that I have to put it right.

I shake my head in amazement. A couple of kisses from the woman and I'm completely under her thumb. Thank God she doesn't realise it yet.

I think back over the past few weeks and try to recall any trouble I've caused. I honestly can't remember having done anything bad recently. Well…not too bad anyway. I mean, yes, that man did end up with nearly half of his head shaved last week but at least it proved he was innocent. Not that he was grateful about it. Really, you just can't help some people.

"Any thoughts?" asks Lisbon brusquely, suddenly appearing by my side.

Plenty. How about I take you in the forest and…well…take you. There's a thought. You'd have to look at me then. I smile a little as my gaze roams over her averted features and picture her hair all mussed up with leaves from the forest floor. It'd be a good look on her. My body starts to react to my errant musings but as I study her a moment longer, it's evident that she's still not going to look at me and my warm feelings are swiftly overtaken by irritation.

"She's dead," I reply being deliberately awkward. I'm going to get some reaction out of her one way or another this morning, even if I end up with a broken nose.

"Anything else?" she enquires with just the faintest hint of annoyance in her tone.

"Her left hand's missing."

"Apart from that?" she queries starting to sound exasperated.

"Her left leg's gone below the knee," I answer helpfully.

"I know that, Jane! Is there anything useful you can share?" she solicits with barely contained ire clear in her voice now.

Just where I want her…mentally speaking.

"Walmart has a two for one special on taco shells. That's useful to know…if you like tacos," I inform her flippantly. I then turn to her and query interestedly, "Do you like tacos, Lisbon?"

"What the hell is wrong with you this morning?" she demands to know finally turning to look at me back.

"I could ask you the same thing," I counter with a frown.

My comment obviously brings her up short and her anger is quickly replaced by worry…no, not worry exactly…more like…apprehension. I'm intrigued.

"What? I don't know what you mean," she denies defensively .

Oh, but she does. I can tell by the way she can't quite meet my eyes again.

"Liar," I say succinctly.

Her gaze snaps to mine and a soft blush coats her cheeks before she looks away.

"Let's just get on with the case, shall we?" she proposes, all business once more. "Her name's Maria Henshaw, age 21. Worked in a local pharmacy in town."

I decide to let it drop for the moment and do as she asks. Pushing her further will only cause her to close up and I don't want that. I'm confident I'll find out what's wrong…eventually.

I drop to my knees and proceed to look over the victim in closer detail. A cursory sniff reveals a chemical smell I can't identify then I turn my attention to the rest of her body. She's obviously been hit on the head so I check out the stumps where the limbs were removed. My stomach churns a little but as I haven't eaten yet this morning, I know I'll be fine.

"There's some kind of unusual aroma you might want to get them to check out. It looks as though her leg and hand have been cut off cleanly and precisely so I'd take a guess at it being done by someone with some sort of medical background," I comment as I stand and brush the dirt and leaves from my trousers. I look up and catch her staring at me but she quickly drops her gaze, somewhat guiltily, and takes great interest in the lifeless body on the ground.

"OK, so you think maybe the person who did this is a doctor or something?" she asks logically.

"Possibly," I concur with a shrug then add drolly, "Maybe even a mad scientist that needs body parts for his latest creation. There are a lot of odd people out there, Lisbon."

"Tell me about it," she mutters meaningfully under her breath, making me smile.

I watch her walk away and go over to Cho. They talk for a few moments then both glance over at me before she walks off into the forest. Cho heads my way, notebook and pen poised as ever in his hands ready to take down any pertinent information.

"What did you do this time?" he asks bluntly.

"I don't follow," I reply, surprised at his question.

"Lisbon just told me to ask if you had any other idea's about our vic. She's gone to have a look around. She'd never purposely leave you on your own at a crime scene unless she's pissed at you about something; so what did you do?"

I'm a little annoyed that he's so quick to conclude that I'm somehow at fault but I have to agree that he has a point. Lisbon doesn't leave me alone at crime scenes. It usually results in too much paperwork.

"If I knew, I'd do something about it but as it is, I can't help you," I tell him tetchily. I gesture to the body and add, "Either with her or Lisbon."

I stalk off in a huff towards where I last saw the infuriating woman and head into the forest. I can hear Cho calling me but I ignore him completely. I want to know what has Lisbon so rattled. Since there's nothing I can think of that I've done, I'm beginning to suspect that it's something she doesn't want me to find out…and that makes me a little afraid.

Could she be wanting to end this thing between us before we've even got started? I hope not but it wouldn't surprise me either. Lisbon is nothing if not cautious and I'm positive that from that first moment I kissed her poor bruised face, she's been arguing with herself back and forth as to whether or not I'm worth the trouble.

In truth, I'm not sure that I am. I know she deserves better than me. She can certainly get better than me. But we still both have our own baggage that we struggle with and maybe she's decided that mine's just a little too heavy to help carry on a more personal level. I'd be devastated but I wouldn't blame her for that. How could I? I buckle under the strain myself at times. It's hard.

I continue on through the undergrowth and keep an eye out for Lisbon. My unhappy thoughts urge me on quicker and in my haste I fail to notice a tree root sticking out of the ground at an awkward angle. I trip over it and fall flat on my face so hard it knocks the breath out of me for a moment. As I lay there, my heart sinks as I hear the sound of someone approaching and lift my head to see Lisbon come to a halt a couple of feet away. No man wants to be found like this by the woman he adores. So humiliating.

"You OK?" she asks in amusement.

"Wonderful," I reply dryly.

I'm pleased to note that at least she's looking and talking to me now. It's nice to know that my little mishap has one upside.

She moves forward a couple of steps then holds out her hand to help me up. I grasp it firmly and quickly get to my feet. I have every intention of keeping a tight grip of her hand now that I have some contact but when I glance down at myself I reluctantly have to relinquish my hold in order to brush myself down. I'm a complete and utter mess.

"I'm surprised you bothered to help me up," I say conversationally as I run my hands down my jacket and vest. I grimace in annoyance at the odd smear of dirt that is left behind. I shall have to get this suit to the dry cleaners.

"Why's that?" she asks.

"Well, I would have thought that this scenario is what your dreams are made of, Lisbon. The two of us alone in the middle of the woods, me prone at your feet," I explain as I bend to tend to my trousers. "Just think of all the things you could do to me with no-one to hear…"

I trail off as I straighten up and my teasing grin fades when I see the way she's looking at me. Flustered doesn't even begin to cover her expression.

"Trust me, Jane, I never dream about you in any scenario," she refutes a little too adamantly. "I have enough of you during the day without you bothering me at night too."

Her eyes skittering away from mine negates that statement however and suddenly everything miraculously clicks into place. I've been so concerned that her behaviour was about something I've done, that I failed to entertain the notion that it was actually about something she's done…albeit subconsciously.

The avoidance, the apprehension, the grouchiness…the denial.

It all makes sense to me now and to say I'm relieved is an understatement. It isn't what I'd feared after all and I can't contain my smile that Lisbon was apparently as affected by our kiss last night as I.

"Never, Lisbon?" I check, raising my eyebrows sceptically.

She pouts a little and I see a frown start to form at my obvious incredulity.

"…Never, Jane," she verifies unconvincingly then blushes just to confirm my suspicions.

I do so love her stubbornness…even when she is lying to me. I watch her in silence for a few seconds more; just enough time for her to grow uneasy and begin to fidget a little and then I let her off the hook.

"OK, if you say so, Lisbon. Best get back to the scene. I want to have a crack at the man who found the body," I tell her cheerfully.

I turn and leave her standing there, confident that she'll follow. I hear her footsteps behind me and grin to myself as I walk back through the foliage to the crime scene, mentally rubbing my hands in glee.

If I'm not very much mistaken, and I'm sure I'm not, Lisbon had quite a dream about me last night…of the naughty variety. Very naughty if her level of embarrassment is anything to go by. Oh, Lisbon, you bad girl, you.

I wonder what we did? Whatever is was, I hope that in the not so distant future I'll be able to make that dream a reality for her…especially if her cuffs are involved. I've had a few of my own wild dreams about what she does with them.

I reach the clearing where the body is lying and head over to Cho and Rigsby with Lisbon still trailing a little behind. They give me interested looks as I join them and I realise I probably look quite unkempt.

"You've got leaves in your hair," Cho advises me, impassive as always.

"Oh, it's not what you think," I say with a diffident smile, knowing full well that it will make them both jump to the wrong conclusion. I run my hand through my hair a couple of times to dislodge the plant life and clarify tritely, "There was a tree stump. I fell over…"

Lisbon joins us and Cho glances at her guarded face then looks back at me and nods.

"Yeah."

Unsure of why Rigsby and Cho look a little ill at ease, Lisbon frowns and does what makes her most comfortable. She takes charge. Barking out orders, she gets updates on the situation while I go and talk to the shaken man who found the body. A few well chosen questions later and I rule him out of being the murderer. I turn and look around for Lisbon and see her walking towards me with Rigsby and Cho.

"The local sheriff's office are going to continue the search for the missing body parts. We're going into town to speak to Maria's family and do some canvassing," she informs me. "Why don't you go back? You probably want to change your suit."

Oh, you're not getting rid of me that easily.

"No, I want to come along. You can ride with me if you like?" I suggest with a winning smile.

With the two male agents flanking her, she knows it'd look odd if she didn't accept my offer. We always go together, even before I started my personal campaign. She eyes my car warily but nods her head.

"OK, but just don't drive too fast," she warns grudgingly.

We get in my car and follow Rigsby and Cho to town where we split up. Lisbon and I talk to Maria's family and the people at her workplace while the guys head off to speak to her friends. Our investigation moves along nicely and it's soon apparent to me that the victim's boss at the pharmacy is to blame. He'd trained as doctor years ago then decided to go into pharmaceuticals instead.

The motive is all down to medication theft. Her boss was actually taking the drugs and selling them on and Maria found out. He killed her with a single blow to the head. There was no real reason for the missing limbs, he just decided to do it. Kept them as some kind of trophies. Like I said to Lisbon. A lot of odd people out there.

I lean against my car with my arms folded while I wait for her to finish up with the local Sheriff and smile at her when she finally emerges from the building. I've been on my best behaviour since I realised her little secret and as the day's worn on she's gradually relaxed around me once more. I'm pleased because it means she's unsuspecting of a little plan I've been concocting. Nothing bad, just some payback for the way she behaved this morning.

"You still here? I thought you'd be long gone," she states as she looks around. "Where's Rigsby and Cho? I need a lift back to CBI."

"I told them they could go," I reply casually. "Rigsby was chomping at the bit to leave. Hot date I believe. I'll take you back."

I push myself away from the car and open the door for her to get in. She gives me a glare that tells me she's not happy with the arrangement but I don't care. I get to have her to myself for a while, that's all that matters.

Her mood lightens considerably on the ride home as I do my best to make the journey an entertaining one. I love to hear her laugh, even though some of it is directed at me. She apparently found my falling over a lot funnier than I'd realised.

As we near the CBI, I suggest we get something to eat and we stop at a roadside diner for a quick bite. Hunger sated, we continue on and finally reach the parking lot of the Bureau a little after nine in the evening.

"Thanks for the ride," she says as we get out of my car. "I'm heading off home, it's been a long day. I'll finish up the paperwork in the morning."

"I'll walk you to your car," I offer as I fall into step alongside her.

We walk in comfortable silence, my hand accidentally brushing hers as we move. My heart skips at the unintentional touch and I give her a sideways glance. She looks at me too and we share a smile. Once we reach her vehicle she turns to face me. Her eyes fix on my lips and for a moment I think that she's going to kiss me but, instead, her gaze wanders slowly down my body then back up again. My heart begins to pound at the fact that I'm pretty certain that Teresa Lisbon has just blatantly checked me out.

"You should get that suit to the dry cleaners first thing in the morning otherwise it'll be ruined."

Or maybe not.

"I will," I reply agreeably as I take a step nearer to her.

I hear her breathing begin to pick up speed as she tenses slightly and I take another deliberate step right into her personal space. She looks up at me and we are so close now that even in the dimming light I can clearly see that her pupils are so dilated they are almost black. I know damn well that mine must look the same and as her lips part slightly, I have to fight everything within me not to give her the kiss she so obviously expects.

I begin to second guess my plan because, really, what kind of fool am I for denying myself her lips? But then I think back to how upset she made me and I renew my intent.

Her eyes flutter shut and just as she begins to lean forward I raise my hands and place them firmly onto her shoulders, holding her still.

"I'm sorry, Teresa, but I can't kiss you tonight. It wouldn't be fair on you," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "I'd hate to be the cause of two sleepless nights in a row…it makes you grouchy…and just a little bit mean."

Her eyes snap open and widen slightly as they lock with mine in horror. A red flush stains her cheeks so swiftly and hotly, I can almost physically feel the warmth radiating from them. Suddenly, her face contorts into a picture of magnificent rage but, before she finds her voice, I grin and lean forward to place a gentle peck on the tip of her nose. I turn and start walking towards my car wincing slightly at the diatribe that follows my retreating back.

"Why, of all the...you arrogant, narcissistic, son of a…I hate you!"

I love you, too.

"Goodnight, Teresa," I reply brightly as I keep walking and lift a hand in salute before delivering my parting shot. "Sweet dreams."

The sound of her car door slamming followed by the engine firing and a screech of tyres has me grinning even wider than normal. I get into my Citroen then set off for my motel at a more sedate pace than my lovely partner. Once in my room I make myself a cup of tea then get changed into my pyjama bottoms.

I sit up in bed and have my drink, allowing the soothing brew to help me relax as my mind wanders back over the last few months. I think the softly, softly, baby steps approach to Lisbon is paying dividends at last. She's finally seeing me as a man and not just 'Jane' her annoying consultant. I'm glad because ever since our first kiss, I've been more than aware of her as a woman. It's downright uncomfortable at times.

I finish my tea and place the cup on the nightstand then turn off the lights. I really must bring Lisbon some of those doughnuts she enjoys so much as a small peace offering tomorrow. I'm sure she'll forgive me by the end of the day. She's good like that.

I settle myself down in bed and as I lie in the dark my unruly body stirs when I think back to how wonderful Lisbon looked in all her angry glory and how much I want to feel her lips on mine again. I turn on my front and let out a groan of frustration as the floodgate in my head opens wide and pictures of the woman I so desperately want fill my mind close to bursting.

Despite my goading earlier, somehow I know I'm the one who's going to be in for a sleepless night tonight.

END CHAPTER 6


	7. July

_"Everyone else in the room can see it,  
Everyone else but you"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**July 14th – 11.25am**

It's a long drive from Sacramento to Malibu.

Especially in my Citroen. It's not built for fast speeds for extended periods of time. I love my car but there are times like these that I wish I had a newer one.

It's been a while since I last made the trip and I'd forgotten just how tedious the journey can be without someone to talk to. When I say someone, I mean Lisbon of course. Who else is there?

She's the reason I'm here. Back at my house. I'm not running away, although I can see how it could look like that. I was just made aware that I still had some demons to put to rest once and for all.

It's been an odd couple of days. I've always prided myself on being able to control my emotions. I'll even go so far as to say that I can discard the fruitless one's at will. The kinds of emotions that don't really help you in any way but merely hinder and drain you. Like jealousy. That's a really pointless emotion. It doesn't get you anywhere and in extreme cases you can even hurt the one you love through your own stupid, childish behaviour.

Like I have.

It all started two days ago when a delicate case involving high profile philanthropist, Abigail Grant, was handed over to us. She's an acquaintance of Bertram's so he wanted it dealt with quickly and quietly.

Quick I can do. Quiet? I'm hardly the poster boy for keeping things low key but if he was willing to take the chance, what the hell.

It was all to do with some priceless jewels that she'd had stolen. I worked it out pretty fast that the perpetrator was likely to be a man called Marcus Greening and the culmination of our investigation is going to happen tomorrow tonight all being well.

During our enquiries, however, a link had been found to Walter Mashburn and naturally we had to follow it up.

I was pleased to see him…at first. It's been a while and if it hadn't been for his interest in Lisbon in the past, I might have been more inclined to pursue a proper friendship.

"Patrick, it's good to see you again," he'd greeted with a smile and an enthusiastic shake of my hand.

"Walter," I'd acknowledged with a nod.

He'd turned his attention to Lisbon and I'd tensed as alarm bells started ringing in my head. His smile had softened slightly and he'd clasped one of her hands in both of his. It was an oddly intimate gesture that I wasn't entirely happy with and although I didn't realise it at the time, the first little insidious seed of jealousy was sown.

"Teresa, how have you been?" he'd asked in a low voice that really, really irritated me.

She's been with me I wanted to tell him. Well, not with me per se, but I'm working on it.

"I've been good, thanks," she'd replied a little stiltedly. She'd given me a glance reminiscent of when she'd had that dream about me then extricated her hand from Walter's no doubt sweaty grasp. "You?"

Obviously that had been an invitation to tell us every little thing that had happened to him in the past few years and he'd taken the seat next to Lisbon, sitting just that little bit closer than necessary.

As I'd listened to him talk, I noticed the way he directed everything to her, his smiles, his explanations. The familiar way he casually touched her arm or leg. It soon became blatantly obvious to me not only that the interest he'd shown in Lisbon the last time we'd crossed paths hadn't really abated, but that they had been intimate in the past too.

Not that Lisbon seemed to reciprocate at all. She was professional as ever. But that didn't stop my jealousy sprouting.

I'm honestly not bothered by any of Lisbon's other former dalliances. She's an adult for heaven's sake, there are going to be men in her past and I'm hardly one to criticise considering my own choice of bed-mate. But knowing she'd been with Walter and watching him turning on the charm right in front of me…just really pissed me off.

Don't get me wrong, I like Walter. He's a great guy. But for a few minutes there, a man I used to consider a friend of sorts was now the competition. And a strong one at that. He is everything Lisbon could want from a man and although it pains me to admit, albeit to myself, he's the kind of man she deserves as well.

All that wealth, good looks, charm and, most importantly, no baggage…he's perfect. Really.

And it suddenly got me wondering what I truly had to offer Lisbon that wasn't in some way detrimental to her life. I came up empty. It was a sobering realisation.

If I'm honest, I gave up the fight there and then before I'd even tried. I'm not proud of myself. Perhaps if I'd been more secure in her feelings for me, I would've felt differently. A few kisses hardly means she's in love with me. I mean look at Walter; she slept with him.

In hindsight, I should've just got up and walked out there and then. But no, not me. Years of putting myself into a situation where I could torture myself about it afterwards was a hard habit to break…and obviously I needed a fix.

Our 'interview' with Walter finally came to and end and we said our goodbyes then headed out to the SUV. I could tell she wasn't quite sure of my mood and to be frank, neither was I. My emotions seemed to be getting a little out of my control by then. I was swinging between feeling resentful of Walter having shared an intimacy with Lisbon that I never have and being angry with myself for not being the kind of man I think she deserves.

Naturally, me being me, I verbally took it all out on Lisbon with snippy little replies and jealous fuelled innuendo's so that by the time we reached the CBI she wasn't talking to me anymore. I regretted it immediately but offered no apology.

Not my finest hour by any means. I'm having a few of those lately.

We spent the rest of the day avoiding each other then this afternoon Walter came by the office to propose a plan. He'd wangled an invite to a party Greening was having and there was a good chance that the gems, amongst other things, would be available to the highest bidder. We were all in the bullpen when Lisbon came out and told us about the party and she'd said that Van Pelt should go along with Walter.

I'm not quite sure whose face was most disappointed. Walter's or Rigsby's. Anyway, I decided to play devil's advocate and suggested she go herself…being the team leader and all. I'd then added that considering their obvious history together, they'd make a more believable couple.

You could've heard a pin drop in the silence that followed.

I guess a warped part of me wanted her to deny everything. To prove to me I was wrong about my supposition…but she didn't. She just gave me one of those 'you hurt me but I'm damned if I'll let it show' looks that I'd come to hate so much during the Lorelei days. I felt like such a bastard.

I'd broken eye contact and sipped at my tea, my heart sinking as she announced that she would indeed accompany Walter instead. I didn't look at her again, I couldn't. I'd just sat and feigned interest in my drink until she and Walter went back to her office.

"Public humiliation…that'll win the girl every time," Cho had suddenly said wryly from right by my side.

I'd looked up in at him in surprise. He was sat on the arm of my couch, arms folded, and as I gazed around the rest of the bullpen Rigsby and Grace stared back at me from their desks, sporting faintly accusing expressions. It'd seemed pointless to deny what they'd apparently already guessed.

"I was never under any illusion that my methods were perfect," I'd admitted with a shrug.

"Good. They're not," Cho had concurred brusquely. "You're an idiot."

I very much doubt truer words had ever come out of the stoic Agents' mouth.

"Yeah, what's your problem? You were practically pushing the boss at him," Rigsby had piped up.

"No problem, I just think they make better sense," I'd answered as impassively as I could muster.

"I don't believe you," Grace had countered bluntly with a shake of her head. "That night Rigsby and I had dinner with you two we could see there was more to it than the just you paying out for that flimsy excuse of an auction."

"You all had dinner together?" Cho had asked, somewhat put out. "Without me?"

"It's a long story, Cho. If it makes you feel any better, I'll treat you to dinner next week, OK?" I'd offered hoping to steer the conversation away from Lisbon and my obvious failings.

"OK," he'd answered. "But you're still an idiot. If you're not careful you'll lose her."

With that he'd gone back to his desk and Rigsby and Grace went back to work.

It was nice of them to try and hold an intervention…however poor. Still, although I understand Cho's concerns, I can't actually lose what I've never really had. Can I?

Not long after that, Walter had emerged from Lisbon's office and come back to the bullpen to say goodbye. The team murmured out a few grunts in reply and then he'd stared at me and held up his phone before giving me a quick nod.

I'd watched him go then heard my own phone chirp as a new text came in. I'd checked it out and saw that he wanted to meet up an hour later. My interest had been piqued and so I'd dutifully done as he'd asked and met him at a small coffee shop around the corner from the CBI.

We'd indulged in idle chit-chat while awaiting our drinks but once they'd been brought to our table, he'd got straight to the point.

"How long have you and Teresa been together?" he'd asked curiously.

I have to admit that I was surprised at his astuteness. I could understand the team having an inkling there was something evolving between us…we worked with them every day. But, Walter? Really?

"We're not," I'd refuted lightly. Not officially, anyway. There's still so much left unsaid between us.

"You won't be if you keep pulling stunts like that one today," he'd pointed out blithely. "She was upset."

"Meh, that's standard behaviour for Lisbon. I would've thought, given your past, you would know that," I'd goaded, forcing a small smile.

I knew I'd hurt her, I didn't appreciate the reminder.

Walter had merely chuckled and shaken his head.

"It was one night, Patrick. Teresa wasn't interested in anything more…although I did try," he'd admitted wryly.

"I'll bet that was a blow to your ego," I'd said mildly, secretly pleased that Lisbon had been the one who'd chosen not to continue their acquaintance.

"She is quite a woman," he'd commented a little wistfully.

"Yes, she is," I'd agreed softly, no doubt sporting my own dreamy expression.

His gaze had sharpened on me and he took a sip of his coffee before leaning back in his chair and staring at me in contemplation. I saw his eyes drop down to my left hand then back up to my face.

"I'm glad you got Red John finally," he'd said with a small smile. "How long has it been now?"

"Eleven months," I'd replied automatically, wondering at the sudden change of topic.

He'd nodded and grinned ruefully.

"I bet you can tell me the days, hours and even the minutes too?" he'd ventured quietly.

I'd felt my jaw tighten at the faintly accusing tone I could hear seeping through. I did know as a matter of fact but I wasn't about to tell him that.

He studied my face and let out a heavy sigh.

"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, but surely his death has given you some kind of closure? Some peace finally? Enough that you can at least start moving on with your life again, no?"

"I am," I'd said flatly.

He looked pointedly at my hand again then queried dubiously, "Really, Patrick? Because it doesn't look like it from where I'm sat."

"Maybe you'd better view it from some place else then," I'd retorted, my irritation at his comments beginning to show.

"OK, OK, I'll back off," he'd said, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I was just trying to offer some friendly advice that's all. I like you and I like Teresa but you two won't get anywhere until you've dealt with your past, Patrick. You're still clinging on…how do you think that makes her feel seeing you still wearing your wedding ring after all this time?"

I hadn't actually given it any thought. I'd clenched my hand and moved it off the table to rest upon my thigh. My wedding band suddenly felt heavy on my finger, the weight of my residual guilt for my family dragging it down. I'd imagined myself to have put everything behind me but in those few moments it became frighteningly clear to me that I hadn't. At all. They were simply on the back burner waiting to be addressed while I happily convinced myself I'd 'moved on.' It was a hard thing to process all at once and I determinedly pushed it aside to ruminate on later.

"I thought you said you were going to back off," I'd reproached, but I know my tone had no real bite to it.

Walter had smiled benignly then nodded and leaned forward conspiratorially.

"I've just bought a new Bugatti," he'd revealed with a grin. "Want to take it for a spin?"

I'd smiled back at his obvious ploy and nodded my assent. By the time we'd parted company later that evening, we were friends…of sorts…again. I'm glad about that.

I'd gone back to my motel room and looked around the sparse furnishings as if seeing them for the first time. Was this the extent of all I could offer a woman like Lisbon? An old tea maker, a hard bed and a rickety little table and chair? Or was it the alternative? A beat up old couch and a musty attic in a government building.

When I stopped to think about it, it was a toss up as to which one was more pathetic. And I also wondered why I hadn't yet bothered to do anything about it. Why after all these months, even though Red John was gone, was I still living exactly the same way as before? Still punishing myself. Still letting him win…

Was this really what my existence had come down to? Living in limbo where I'm still, as Walter said, clinging on to the past? Using it like some kind of anchor because I'm too damn scared to cut the rope and just go with the flow of life again?

It began to dawn on me then that all this 'baby steps' rubbish I'd been spouting to myself in regards to pursuing Lisbon wasn't about her at all…it was about me. About my fears of not only loving someone but actually having them love me back and all that it entails. About having a home…maybe even a family again one day. Was I really, truly ready for that?

As my mind wandered to Lisbon I couldn't help but smile and I found that the answer came swiftly and easily.

Yes. I was ready.

Once I'd acknowledged that fact, I'd made the decision there and then that things would have to change. If I wanted to move on with my life, I had to cut that damn rope and start actually building a new one.

Knowing I couldn't leave without at least offering some kind of an apology for my behaviour earlier, I'd got my phone and texted a simple, 'I'm sorry,' to Lisbon then I'd gotten together a few of my things and headed back out to my car. Forty minutes later with a tank full of petrol and a ready-made sandwich, I was on my way to Malibu.

I had plenty of time to think on the journey and by the time I'd reached my house I'd already decided that I was going to sell it and look for a place in Sacramento. It was where my home was now.

My wedding ring, however, was a different matter. Although I was eager to lose the anchor, I apparently still needed a buoy…metaphorically speaking of course. My ring was far more personal than the house; meant so much more. It wasn't guilt exactly that had me leave it on…more like how wrong it felt when I tried to take it off.

It's one of those things I'll have to look at more closely when I'm not so tired that I can hardly think anymore.

I got to the house in the early hours of this morning and the first thing I did was crash out on the couch for a while.

I awake to the sound of my cellphone ringing and blearily check the caller ID. It's Lisbon, probably wondering why I'm so late.

"Hey," I greet warmly.

"Where the hell are you, Jane?" she demands, obviously well on the way to a full-blown rage.

"Malibu," I reply, stifling a yawn. She doesn't say anything for so long I think we've been cut off. "Lisbon, are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here," she says, her tone more subdued now. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," I say soothingly. "I just need to take care of a couple of things then I'll be back tomorrow. There's something I have to tell you…but I prefer to do it face to face."

"Really?" she queries, sounding a little worried.

"Don't panic, woman, I'm not leaving if that's what you're thinking," I assure her, grinning to myself.

"I know that," she retorts dismissively but I detect an undertone of relief.

Such little faith, but I understand why now.

"Did you get my text?" I ask softly.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"I meant it, Teresa, I was an ass yesterday and I'm sorry," I tell her contritely. "I hope you catch Greening tonight. Give me a call and let me know how it all goes, OK?"

"OK," she agrees. There's another pause then, with the most awful attempt at being casual, she adds, "So…I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"You will," I reiterate firmly. "Goodbye, Teresa."

"Bye, Jane."

I end the call and smile to myself. Just hearing her voice makes me homesick.

I get up and go to the bathroom then have a quick shower . When I've finished, I stand in the hallway for a moment just staring at my old bedroom door. I know what's behind there now and I'm ready to face it for the last time. I go in and come to a stop in front of the grisly drawing that has haunted me day and night for over a decade. The blood is brown with age and I reach out to touch it gently with my finger.

So much anger, so much heartache, so much grief. I let my hand drop to my side and glance around the rest of the room. The house seems to have an air of peace about it now that wasn't present before…or perhaps it's just the fact that I've reached a decision about my life that makes it seem so.

I leave the room without a backward glance then get dressed and go into town. I get something to eat then call in at a local business to arrange for someone to come out and redecorate the bedroom. It's not something I have the time or inclination to do myself. I then go to see a local realtor and we make arrangements so that they can keep the keys and oversee the decorator and any possible viewings.

From there I go to the local store and buy some groceries for this evening. It's not until late afternoon that I finally head back to the house. I plan to stay tonight then drop my keys off and go back to Sacramento in the morning.

I pull up then get out of my car and look out across the ocean. The beach is empty and I feel the urge take a walk along the sand. I grab the groceries and take them into the house then shed my jacket, vest, shoes and socks and leave them in the lounge before heading off out along the shoreline. I roll up my trouser legs and stroll through the shallows. There's something very soothing about the ebb and flow of the tide on one's feet and by the time I return from my amble I feel completely relaxed.

As I approach my house it takes me a moment to realise that there's a woman sitting primly on my front steps with a small overnight bag beside her. I'm shocked when I recognise whom it is.

"I don't think you're going to make it back in time for the party tonight," I say with a shake of my head as I come to a stop in front of Lisbon.

"Van Pelt's going," she replies with a careless shrug as she stands up and shoves her hands into her pockets. "Cho's taking lead. They'll be fine."

I notice her looking at me with some trepidation, no doubt second-guessing what I'm certain is an impetuous decision on her part, to come here and I give her a reassuring grin. I may not have expected her to be here but I'm not about to pass up an opportunity like this. I glance around and when I see no sign of her car I look back at her quizzically.

"How did you get here? And so quickly come to that?"

"Walter lent me his private jet to fly down here and then I got a cab from the airport," she explains a little defiantly.

No doubt wondering if I'm going to have another jealous fit over the millionaire.

"Were you really that worried that I wouldn't come back tomorrow?" I ask in amusement, letting her know it doesn't bother me.

"No. I just thought you might need a friend," she replies defensively. "You only ever come here when you're…troubled."

Really, could the woman be any sweeter? Or more caring? What have I been thinking taking it slow for so long?

I step up and surprise her by placing a firm, quick kiss on her lips.

"Thank you," I say sincerely. She gives me an awkward nod of acknowledgement and I take hold of her hand then bend to pick up her bag.

I pull her into the house behind me and lead her to the lounge. I drop her bag on the floor and gesture for her to sit down.

"Let me just get cleaned up and I'll make us some dinner. Are you hungry?"

She nods and I quickly go upstairs then wash off the sand from my feet and come back down still bare foot.

"How does pasta sound?" I ask, noticing that she doesn't seem to have moved an inch from where I left her. She's so adorably uncomfortable in these kinds of personal situations.

"Great. Thanks."

I busy myself preparing our meal and she eventually gets up and walks over to watch what I'm doing.

"I've put the house up for sale," I say casually as I put the pasta into the boiling water and turn to face her.

Her eyes widen in surprise.

"Really?"

"Yes. It's time."

She nods and for the first time ever I notice her gaze dart to my left hand. It's only brief but now I'm more aware of how she might be feeling, I wonder how many other times I've missed that telling action in the past.

"I'm happy for the house to go but…I'm not quite ready to take my ring off yet, Teresa," I say quietly.

"I didn't say you should," she replies a little self-consciously. "It's nothing to do with me anyway."

"Oh, Teresa," I say with a shake of my head and an indulgent smile. "Haven't you realised by now? It's got everything to do with you."

She looks at me in shock and as I'm about to swiftly close the distance between us the water from the cooking pasta boils over the top of the pan with a loud hiss. While I quickly attend to the food, she moves away from me back into the lounge and begins to pace. I can see her agitation in the way she runs a hand through her long hair and the jerkiness of her walk. Apparently my little revelation hasn't gone over quite the way I'd hoped. That's Lisbon for you. Can't take a compliment even if you hit her over the head with it.

"You know what?" she suddenly says irately as she stops to stare at me with a frown from across the room. "You are driving me crazy! You say things…then deny it. You kiss me…then nothing. You get jealous for no reason…and now you tell me this? What are you doing, Jane? Do you even know? What am I supposed to say to that?"

"Thank you?" I suggest helpfully.

She lets out a growl of frustration at my flippancy and turns to pick up her bag.

"You know what? This was a bad idea. I knew I shouldn't have come," she says as she stalks angrily towards the front door.

"Lisbon, don't go," I call after her urgently. She pauses mid stride for a second then continues on and my heart drops like a stone. I catch up with her just as she's at the door and plead softly, "Please, Teresa. Stay."

My hands are at my sides and I'm itching to reach out and touch her but I know she'd resist me further. She looks down as if contemplating my request then her head lifts and she turns to face me.

"Only if you stop playing games, Jane," she says defiantly. "I'm not going to be your next shiny new plaything just used to fill up your time because you're bored now."

I'm speechless. Is that really what she thinks I'm doing? I shake my head in negation long before I can find adequate words.

"You're not a game to me, Teresa," I refute intently. "You never have been. I'm just trying to deal with my emotions the best way that I can and even though I'm not ready to say the words yet, it doesn't mean that I don't feel the depth of them any less." I pause and give her a small smile. "You just have to face it, Teresa, you're stuck with me. When I look into the future, all I see…is you."

She searches my face for the truth of my words and her expression softens just a little bit.

"Do you really mean that?" she queries, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Yes," I answer just as softly.

I know I'm not alone in understanding the importance of this moment as she takes her time to decide whether she believes me or not. Whether she's willing to give us a shot or not. The seconds stretch out as we continue to stare into each others eyes and I hope…I pray, that she puts me out of my misery soon.

She blinks and after another moment of hesitation she finally gives me a curt nod.

"I think that pasta's done," she says, dropping her bag and moving past me to head back into the kitchen.

My relief is almost overwhelming. I may not have openly said I loved her but she can be in no doubt of my feelings now…and she didn't leave. I am amazed and happy…and just a tiny bit humbled. I take a few seconds to bring my emotions back under control then join her in the kitchen. We work together in silence, sharing small smiles as we fill our plates then take them into the lounge with a glass of water each.

I put the TV on and we watch a well-known cop film as we eat, laughing at the obvious flaws in the plot line. We finish our food and place the plates on the small table in front of us and it's the most natural thing in the world for me to casually drape my arm around her shoulders as we watch the end of the movie.

I feel her tense slightly, then relax and lean into me a little more before resting her head on my shoulder. I can feel her hair tickling my neck and the fruity scent of the soap she uses infuses my senses so that I barely even register the film after that. It just feels so nice to sit with her like this and not think about things for a while.

The film ends and she lifts her head to look at me. I guess she wants to say something but when I turn to gaze back down at her we are so close it'd almost be an insult not to kiss her.

I dip my head and tentatively touch my lips to hers. With my veiled declaration still ringing in my ears, this feels different now. She responds almost immediately, her hand reaching up to grasp the back of my neck, urging me closer as she opens her mouth to deepen the kiss. Compared to this all our other kisses have been chaste. My tongue seeks out hers and they glide together in an erotic dance as I tilt my head to gain a better angle. I push my free hand into her hair at the back of her head, holding her in place until I suddenly feel her pushing firmly against my chest.

"Phone," she gasps as she tears her lips from mine and stands up to answer with a curt, "Lisbon."

I draw in greedy gulps of air and try to calm down my clamouring body as I sit and watch the play of emotions on her face. I assume it's Cho and the news appears to be good. She finishes the call, puts her phone away and looks down at me with a grin.

"That was Cho. The bust was success and Greening is in custody."

"That's good," I reply with a smile of my own as I stand up and take hold of her hands, gently drawing her back towards me.

"I…uh…I should go," she says still looking a little flushed. "It's getting late."

"You could stay here tonight," I suggest softly as I lean in and place tiny kisses along her jaw line.

She lets out a tiny whimper as I brush my lips over a certain part of her neck and I do it again just so I can hear that delightful noise once more.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she says, her breath hitching when I find another particularly sensitive spot. "Neither of us is ready, Patrick. Not yet."

As much as I want to ignore her and just continue indulging in eliciting those wonderful little moans, I know she's right. It is too soon and, really, when we finally make love it's not going to be on a couch in the house where my family was murdered.

That thought is as effective as a dousing of ice-cold water and I immediately pull back. My breathing is a little unsteady but after a couple of deep breaths I can manage a rueful smile.

"You're right," I say, putting some distance between us lest I give into temptation again.

"I am?" she questions curtly, obviously surprised and a tiny bit miffed that I've agreed so easily.

I gaze tenderly at her face, lips slightly swollen from our kiss, hair tousled from my hands and an expression of annoyance slowly blooming on her features. She certainly does know how to test my self-control.

"Yes; it shouldn't be here," I say with an apologetic smile.

I can tell she understands immediately and she glances towards the stairs before nodding. I put on my socks and shoes then grab my keys while she gets her bag and we go out to my car.

She tells me the name of the motel she's booked a room with and, as I know it well, it doesn't take long for me to get there. I wait while she registers then walk her to her room. She reaches up and pulls me in for another heated kiss that quickly re-ignites my desire but I determinedly pull back and shake my head at her seductive look.

"I'll be by to pick you up in the morning," I say firmly.

"Night," she replies, casting a quick look down my body then up again to give me a knowing smile. "Sweet dreams."

Little devil knows exactly what she's doing to me.

"Touché," I acknowledge as I chuckle at her cheeky echo of my taunt a few weeks before. I take my leave of her as she shuts the door then go back to my car still grinning to myself.

I've taken a huge step today, not just with Lisbon but with my life too. It's a little daunting to be honest but thrilling as well and for the first time in years I look forward to what tomorrow may bring.

END CHAPTER 7


	8. August

_"Baby you light up my world like nobody else"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**August 16th – 9.30am**

I have the worst hangover ever.

Really.

It feels as though there's an entire crew of workmen using jackhammers in my skull. Chipping away at the bone from the inside out while their tiny little feet are treading all over my brain.

Except for the guy on the right, just above my ear. He must be on a break or something because that's pretty much the only place that I don't feel pain for some inexplicable reason.

I crack open an eye the tiniest slit and am almost blinded by the dazzling light that invades my senses. I shut it again quickly and hear an incessant beeping that makes me wince and those damn workmen seem to double their efforts inside my head.

I try to move but every part of me feels like a ton weight and the slight movement I do manage makes my stomach roll over unpleasantly.

I must have had quite a night.

I just wish I could remember it.

The last I thing I can vaguely recall is being hit on by some guy in a bar. It all gets really a hazy from then on and it hurts my head too much to even try and sort through the images at the moment.

I move my hand slightly and realise suddenly that it's not leather that I feel under my fingers, but cotton. I'm not on my couch. I'm in a…bed?

Oh dear God, no.

I try to force my eyes open again but the light is still too much and I squeeze them tightly shut once more. I don't think I want to know. I mean I'm open to new experiences and all but even I have some lines that I won't cross…I don't think.

At this particular moment in time I'm not sure about anything.

My stomach rolls over again and I fight to keep the nausea at bay. It'd mean I'd have to move and none of my limbs seem to work. I can feel a small bubble of panic beginning to well up inside me or it could be my lunch, I'm not too sure. I just hate feeling as though I have no control…and I really want Lisbon.

I feel someone take hold of my hand and I have to admit I'm a little reluctant to try and return the hold, just in case…

"Hey, you awake?"

Lisbon? Oh, thank God!

Hearing her voice is enough for me to finally find the fortitude to open my eyes and I blink rapidly against the blinding light as I endeavour to focus on her face. The light is making my head hurt even more and I only manage a glimpse of her beautiful countenance before I'm forced to close them again…or vomit profusely.

Not really an option.

And as I feel myself suddenly losing the fight to stay conscious, I am at least comforted that I saw her, even if it was for just a second. I still don't know what's going on but I don't really care because Lisbon is with me and that's all that matters.

The last thing I feel as I drift off is the warmth of her lips pressed upon my forehead. It sparks a memory of…something I'm far too tired to grasp and then I don't remember any more.

I'm awake again.

I immediately recognise that I feel so much better than before. I'm still not completely right but my head doesn't hurt nearly as much, thankfully all those tiny workmen must have gone to lunch, and my stomach doesn't feel as if it's about to lose its contents anymore.

I slowly open my eyes and am relieved when I find that the lights are nowhere near as blinding as they previously had been. Or maybe I'm just not as sensitive this time around. Either way, it takes me a few seconds to focus and when I do I realise that I'm in a hospital room.

I attempt to move my limbs and am pleased to find they are now responding, albeit a little sluggishly. My movement must have alerted Lisbon to my now conscious state and a small hand slips into mine while gentle fingers begin a soothing stroking through my hair as she suddenly comes into view.

"You're awake," she says unnecessarily. "How are you feeling?"

I can see the concern etched on her face and I want to assure her that I'm fine but I'm struck by the way the light shines behind her head giving off a halo effect that is really quite charming.

"Am I dead?" I ask with a smile, my voice sounding horribly croaky. "Because you look like an angel."

I cringe inwardly. That sounded like a bad chat up line and really, did I just say that out loud? What the hell's wrong with me?

She does a good job of holding back a smile but her adorable dimples give her away.

"You're alive," she assures me softly. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

Last night? Just how long have I been out of it?

"Not really, just some bar, it's hazy…" I reply then stop and frown as little as pieces of the lost puzzle start coming back to me, not without a little relief. "Wait a minute…I was there for a case, right?"

I remember now. There have been a series of brutal attacks made on gay men in Sacramento and one of the victims had subsequently died of his injuries, which put it into our jurisdiction. While the men could remember meeting someone they couldn't remember the actual attacks. Our problem was that the men all described someone different so we had to look elsewhere for our suspect. That left us with the staff at the bar. More specifically, the bartender.

That's where I came in.

Our suspect had a preferred 'type' of man and apparently, being blond and blue-eyed, I fit the bill.

Yay for me.

"Yeah. You were the bait," she confirms soberly. "We had to wait until he made his move. You ingested a large dose of the drug but we got him so he won't be hitting on any other unsuspecting guys anytime soon. It was Rohypnol, just as we thought. The effects should wear off in a couple more hours," she tells me with a soft smile that, despite her words, is tinged with worry.

"I'm fine," I say, mustering a smile that makes my lips feel as if they are fairly cracking apart. "But I could really do with a drink of water."

"I'll get you one," she says instantly and turns to go then pauses and looks back at me with a narrow eyed frown as she queries sternly, "You are going to be here when I get back, aren't you?"

"Cross my heart," I reply with a grin, which promptly fades when I try to make the action and find my arm doesn't quite work the way I want it to and I only succeed in slapping myself across the chest.

"Just relax, I'll get the water," she orders wryly as she leaves the room.

I sigh and do as she says for once. I may not be able to remember everything from last night but as we spoke I vividly recalled what led up to it and I think Lisbon is being remarkably restrained with me all things considered.

My mind wanders back over the previous day and I think back to the argument we had over me acting as lure for the assailant. She was so adamant that I shouldn't do it and I was so adamant that I should. I could handle it. They would be there to back me up and I assured her I would easily spot him spiking my drink so there was no way I'd possibly make the mistake of actually having any of it. Why bother getting anyone else in to help when I already fit the bill?

In all honesty, I was just trying to impress her a little. Be a team player and everything.

Hasn't that come back to kick me in the ass?

Really, I blame Lisbon…she's just too damn distracting.

Once I saw the bartender drug my drink, I gave the appropriate signal and CBI swooped down to get their man. It was like clockwork. I watched Cho and Rigsby make the arrest and then made the fatal mistake of looking at Lisbon. The smile she gave me was as proud as it was seductive and the heady combination literally made my mouth go dry. Hence the need for a drink and since I already had one in my hand…

I hadn't even realised I'd drunk it until I started feeling the effects and by then it was too late.

What a lovesick idiot.

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be volunteering for another case anytime soon.

She returns with a very welcome cup of water and slips her arm under my shoulders to help me to sit up so that I may drink. I have to admit to acting a little more lethargic than I really am so that I can lean just that tiniest bit more on her than is strictly necessary. I sip the refreshing liquid and run my tongue over my dry lips to try and regain some much needed moisture.

"Better?" she asks, absently.

I see her looking at my mouth and deliberately run my tongue slowly over my lips again and am rewarded with a light blush. It's good to know I've still got it, even when I'm under the weather.

"Much. Thanks," I reply, staring back at her a little too smugly. That was probably my downfall…literally.

She blinks and looks at my face then scowls and tuts and promptly removes her arm. Unable to quite support myself yet, I flop back against my pillows with a small groan. The woman has all the bedside manner of a sledgehammer at times.

"I told the nurse you were awake, so someone should be in to see you soon," she says as she discards the paper cup and sits down on a nearby chair.

"Aren't you going to hold my hand again?" I whine pathetically, hoping for some sympathy. "Please, Lisbon? I liked it. Made me feel better."

Her arms are folded and by the stubborn set of her chin I know she's really trying not to do as I ask.

"Please," I wheedle again, holding up a limp hand as I give her my best pleading look.

"Oh, alright," she snaps. She gets up and comes over to perch on the side of the bed before grabbing hold of my hand in a really, really firm grasp. She smiles at me overly sweetly. "Feel better now?"

"Of course," I answer casually, taking in her vibrant features. "Being near you always has that effect; but you know that anyway. It's what got me into this mess."

"Hey!" she objects indignantly.

"Oh, hush," I order softly as I reach out and lightly touch her hair. I take hold of a lock between my finger and thumb and tug it gently towards me letting her know what I want. She loosens her grip on me then smiles and leans in to give me a tender kiss. It feels like we haven't done this in years. It's amazing how quickly I've become addicted to her lips now I've all but admitted my feelings. I don't know what I'd do without my daily fix.

"Just what the doctor ordered," I murmur in contentment when she pulls back. She smiles wryly and shakes her head at my comment. I smile back and query blithely, "So tell me, did I do or say anything embarrassing while I was under the influence last night?"

It was meant to be something just to make conversation because, to be honest, I'm more interested in playing with her hair. I love the way the silken strands feel under my touch. I can't help but notice the way she tenses slightly though and that, coupled with a pause, before she answers has my still somewhat fuzzy brain going on high…well medium alert.

"You always do or say something embarrassing," she finally replies dryly, looking away.

Very true.

"OK, anything more embarrassing than usual then?" I probe lightly.

She gives me a considering look then a flash of disappointment followed rapidly by relief crosses her face before she schools her features once more.

I can tell she's keeping something from me but I'm not sure I'm in the best condition to try and dig it out of her successfully at the moment. It's frustrating but I think I'll have to wait.

"Well, you did give Cho a really long bear hug," she says with a sudden grin, her eyes dancing with delight as she obviously relished revealing that little titbit of information. "It was the most awkward few minutes I've ever been a witness to; I think you may have traumatised him."

"Meh, deep down he probably enjoyed it," I dismiss unconcernedly. "That tough exterior is all show; inside he's just a little boy wanting some affection."

"Well he certainly got that last night," she comments sardonically, making me smile.

"Did I do anything else?" I ask, trying to get a read on her reaction.

She shakes her head but looks away again and I can't get rid of the feeling that I'm missing something. I try and do my best to remember what happened but my memories after taking the drug are sketchy at best.

Before I can delve any further, the doctor suddenly arrives and pronounces that I'm awake. I'm not as generous in my thoughts towards him as I was Lisbon when she said the same thing but I endure the next half an hour or so of questions and checks just so that I might get out of this white walled prison quicker than I'd anticipated.

I convince him that I am indeed my normal self now and ignore Lisbon's look of frustrated annoyance at my subterfuge. The truth is I do feel better by the minute but probably not enough to be discharged just yet. Still, it's not my fault the doctor doesn't know I'm not being nearly as much of an aggravating ass as I can be. I want to get out of here and I am. I can recuperate just as well on my couch as I can in this sterile cube.

The doctor leaves to sign my forms and Lisbon hands me my clothes with an unhappy frown.

"I'll wait outside," she says curtly.

"Maybe if you stay and watch me dress, it'll cheer you up," I suggest with a wink.

"It's not funny, Jane. I was there last night, remember? I saw what happened to you, how badly you were effected. It scared the hell out of me. And now you play up the doctor to get what you want and you're making jokes? Well, I'm not laughing," she exclaims, obviously more upset than I'd realised. "You might not care about yourself but I do."

I don't think she realises it but it's the first time she's ever verbally made that kind of admission and to me it's huge. It's one thing to think you know but to actually hear it is something else. After months of opening myself up to her and all but revealing how I feel, to finally have this one tiny acknowledgement that she does at least care for me…it makes my heart soar. You'd think she'd just professed her undying love or something.

One day.

I ease myself off of the bed then take the few still slightly uncoordinated steps that bring me right up in front of her before I put my arms around her slim form and hug her tight. She's still tense but I feel her body relax when I bring my mouth to her ear and whisper how sorry I am to have frightened her that way. I don't promise that I won't ever do it again because the very nature of our work, and my own personality, means it's one I can't possibly keep…and she knows that.

We eventually part even though I could've stayed like that all day but wearing a hospital gown while hugging her wasn't my wisest decision and she leaves, a little red-faced, so that I may get changed. By the time I'm discharged and we're in her car, I'm almost feeling myself again. I'm also starting to get some of my memories back and I can't help but smile to myself over Cho. It doesn't take long to reach the CBI building and as soon as we exit the elevator for our floor Lisbon orders me to go and lie down.

"But I want a cup of tea first," I say as I head towards the break room. Lisbon grabs my arm and steers me towards the bullpen.

"I'll get it. Go. Rest."

I do as she asks and head for my couch. Perhaps if I talk to the rest of the team they'll tell me what else I did and maybe that will clue me in on what had Lisbon acting so cagey earlier. I'm determined to get to the bottom of it.

I enter the bullpen and note that Van Pelt is not at her desk. I'm disappointed because out of all of them I was sure I'd get a proper answer from her and quickly too. The guys are a different matter altogether. No doubt I will be subject to some kind of ribbing…they couldn't let last night go without comment. I certainly wouldn't if it were one of them.

Rigsby is seated at his desk while Cho enters from the other end just as I start walking up.

Perfect.

"Cho," I greet cheerfully with a smile. I open my arms wide as I draw near to him and he looks back at me grimly.

"Don't touch me," he warns sternly, folding his arms.

"And here I thought we made a connection last night," I say glibly.

"Think again," he retorts as he sits down at his desk.

"I'm glad to see you back, man, but I have to say I'm surprised you remember anything," Rigsby says with a shake of his head. "You were pretty out of it for a while. The boss was really worried."

"Yeah, well, I don't remember everything but it's slowly coming back to me," I reply with a nonchalant shrug.

"You don't remember everything?" Cho asks with a sudden interest that unnerves me a little.

"Not everything, no," I confirm guardedly.

"Huh," he replies with a slight smirk that only serves to fuel my uneasiness.

Before I can say anything else, Lisbon returns with my tea.

"I thought I told you to rest," she says in a tone that makes me feel like a naughty child. "Couch. Now."

I roll my eyes in a pathetic attempt at defiance then go and sit down on my battered beauty anyway. She hands me my drink and with a look that tells me I'd better not move anytime soon, she walks off back to her office.

"You are so whipped," Rigsby comments with a snort of laughter.

"Says the man who spent nine hours trying to fix a vase he broke just because it was Grace's favourite," I counter wryly.

"Hey, she loves that thing and it wasn't nine hours," he refutes tetchily before adding in a petulant tone, "More like six."

"But you still could've just bought a new one from the store," I point out reasonably.

He gives me a sour look then mutters something rude under his breath and turns back to his work.

I smile to myself and look over at Cho who stares back at me impassively. I know he's waiting for me to ask about last night so I decide to put us both out of our misery.

"OK, Cho, I know you want to tell me…what did I do?" I ask in a long-suffering tone as though it doesn't really matter to me.

I swear he waits for me to a take a mouthful of tea before he answers shortly, "You told Lisbon you love her. Loudly. Right in front of everyone."

I choke on my drink which is what he was hoping for I'm sure and place my cup back on its saucer with a clatter.

"I didn't," I croak out in automatic denial as I blink rapidly to clear my watering eyes.

Oh, but I have an awful sinking feeling that I did. The two men stare back at me both looking far too smugly satisfied by my reaction for it to be a mere fabrication. Oh, God.

I look at her office and now understand her hesitation from earlier. No wonder she was relieved I didn't remember. Still, now it's out there, I feel I should at least address it…even if I attempt to deny it meant anything.

I put my tea down then stand up and walk over to her door, conscious of Rigsby and Cho's amused gazes following my every move. I pause momentarily to watch her signing some forms then step inside.

"Lisbon…" I begin, only for her to cut me off.

"They told you what you said, didn't they?" she says glancing up at me with a wry smile. I guess she can see by the look on my face that they have and she lets out a chuckle and shakes her head. "I didn't think it'd take long."

I'm a little nonplussed by her reaction. I thought she'd be at the very least embarrassed but this amusement is quite baffling.

"So you're…"

"Did they also tell you that you told everyone else within earshot that you loved them too?" she interjects with an even bigger grin. "Even Cho and Rigsby?"

Why those conniving sons of…

I find myself grinning back at her, relieved that I hadn't ruined my first declaration. I want it to be a bit more special than the ramblings of a drugged up idiot. However true they may be.

"So, we're good?" I say, just checking.

"We're good," she replies with a nod. "But now I have to carry on catching up with my work, so go and get some rest. You look like crap."

I leave her office and enter the bullpen to the sound of laughter. I acknowledge their play with a nod and a grin then settle down onto my couch for a much-needed nap. I'll think about getting my own back later.

I'm not sure how long I sleep but when I awake suddenly to the feel of lips against my forehead it's dark in the office. I see Lisbon pulling back to stare down at me with a smile.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. It's late and I was just leaving so I thought I'd come and say goodnight," she explains quietly.

I'm about to say something back but whatever it is dies on my lips as a memory from the previous evening suddenly pops into my head. I was looking at her just as I am now but we're in the ambulance on the way to hospital. She'd sat at my side, holding my hand and stared at me with such warmth and concern that I'd had a compulsive urge to comfort her some way.

"Don't worry, Teresa," I slurred out, sounding like a drunk trying to share some vital information. "I'm fine. And take no notice of what I told the others…you know I love you, best of all."

She'd smiled indulgently at me then leaned down to place a kiss on my forehead and as she pulled back I'd distinctly heard her whisper, "I love you, too."

My heart almost shudders to a halt and I sit up suddenly on my couch, startling her.

"Are you OK?" she asks in concern.

"Yes," I reply and can't hold back my smile as I gaze joyfully at her. "Yes, Teresa, I'm perfectly fine. Back to normal in fact. Fancy something to eat? I'm starving."

She eyes me curiously, obviously not quite sure what's bought on my good humour but she nods slowly and I stand up ready to leave.

Lisbon loves me. Oh, I know she didn't mean for me to hear it. Probably thought I wouldn't remember it. But I do and I'll treasure that precious moment until the time she finally tells me to my face, in person.

And she will.

One day.

Right now I'm just happy to know that, secretly, she loves me back.

END CHAPTER 8


	9. September

_"The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**September 18th – 1.00pm**

I've been feeling very unsettled and out of sorts lately. My moods seem to be all over the place and I'm having a hard time internalising everything and keeping myself on an even keel.

I don't think Lisbon or the rest of the team suspect anything. I'm quite adept at hiding my emotions, which is good, because inside I'm a writhing mass of guilt and indecision…and some of it is down to the fact that Lorelei wants me to go and visit her.

I've been getting calls from the prison every week since the anniversary of Red John's death just over a month ago.

I haven't told Lisbon. I know she won't agree to my going and I've been undecided what to do…because part of me wants to see Lorelei one last time. Not because I have any feelings for her, on the contrary, but just to get some kind of closure I guess. She's one of the last things about my past that I haven't really dealt with and I honestly think it's something I need to do.

Don't get me wrong, I feel guilty about it. I hate keeping things from Lisbon and it's really starting to weigh me down because I'm beginning to realise that it's a no win situation. I should have just said something when I had the first call but now…I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

If she ever finds out there's going to be hell to pay, mainly by me, because she won't understand why I feel the need to go. I just know it. She still thinks that there was something more emotional going on with me than just using Lorelei to get to Red John. There wasn't…not on my side anyway. I simply did what I needed to do in order to get her to betray that maniac and all I ever briefly felt for her was pity when I found out about her past. We were both victims of Red John in our own way. I just chose the better path…although there are those out there that would contradict me on that, I'm sure.

To add to my discomposure, my realtor called and told me they had a buyer for my house. Someone from out of state who doesn't know the history and simply likes it for what and where it is. It's quicker than I expected but I'm pleased nonetheless. It's as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in that regard. I hadn't realised just how much of a burden it's been all these years but even so, I can't quite quell the slight pang of remorse I feel over actually letting it go.

I was going to mention about the house while Lisbon and I had lunch but we've been called out on a case instead. A woman's body has been dumped by the side of a road near a popular picnic spot about forty minutes away. Rigsby and Cho get into their car while we get into the SUV and she drives as usual. I really don't mind, it gives me the welcome distraction of openly staring at her while we travel. I keep it professional in the office and at a crime scene…well, as professional as I can being me, but here I can forget about everything else for a little while and just feast my eyes on her loveliness to my hearts content.

"Quit staring, I can't concentrate."

"Spoilsport," I mutter and turn my head just enough to seem as though I'm not looking anymore.

"I know what you're doing," she points out wryly a few seconds later.

I roll my eyes and let out a very melodramatic sigh. The hell with it.

"Meh, you're just going to have to put up with it," I reply with an unconcerned shrug of my shoulders and openly resume my perusal.

She tries not to smile but I know she enjoys the attention really. I let my gaze run over her hair; it's fast becoming my new obsession along with those incredible lips of hers. I seem to have a constant need to touch the soft waves whenever I can and when she has it up in a ponytail, like now, my fingers literally itch to let it down.

I think that's why she wears it like that. She definitely knows I have a thing for her hair and it seems to amuse her no end that it frustrates me when she puts it up like that for work where I can do nothing about it. Little minx.

I prefer it down where I can feel it surrounding my hands as I hold her head still to kiss her. Just as I had last night. I shift a little uncomfortably in my seat and turn to gaze out of the car window as I recall how heated it had gotten before I'd forced myself to slow it down. It's not that I'm not interested. Lord knows, I am. After years of self-imposed emotional celibacy I'm more than ready to express my love for her in any sense but…it's just, while I'm still wearing my ring it doesn't feel right. Not with her. It wouldn't be fair and I want our first time to be free of any of my encumbrances. I don't want her wondering afterwards whether it really meant anything because I'm still displaying what is, in her eyes, devotion to my dead wife and child.

My ring isn't that at all though. I realised that some time ago. Yes, I still love Angela and Charlotte, I'll never stop but the ring is a reminder of my guilt not my affection. And it's that that I'm finding the hardest to let go of or, at the very least, come to terms with and until I can do that, I have a very real fear that I may never take it off.

"Everything OK?" she suddenly asks casually, breaking into my inner turmoil.

I glance over at her and see her gaze dart briefly to my hand then back to the road. I look down and find myself absently fiddling with my ring and let out a small, agitated sigh as I abruptly stop. I don't even realise I'm doing it any more.

"Just thinking about last night," I reply with a tight smile. It's not a lie. Not completely anyway.

"I told you, I'm OK with taking it slow if that's what you want," she says in reassuring tone.

"I know. Doesn't make it less frustrating though," I answer with a slight grimace.

"You're always frustrating," she tells me meaningfully then, in a rare display of affection, she reaches out across the centre console and takes my left hand and raises it to her lips to place a brief kiss on the back. "But I'm used to it."

I have to smile at her and wonder what, in my very chequered past, did I do to deserve her? Unsurprisingly, I can think of nothing.

She releases my hand only when we get to the scene and I relish the illicit taste of intimacy we shared on a workday. It's nice to know she's happy to bend the rules when it suits. Makes it easier for me to get away with a few things too.

We alight from the SUV and wait for Cho and Rigsby to catch us up before heading over to an officer to find out who's in charge. He points to the Sheriff who is standing by the dead body we've come to investigate and we walk over. The first thing I notice about him is that he's in his late thirties and really quite tall. The second thing I notice is the way his eyes light up and his polite smile widens into an appreciative grin when he sees Lisbon.

My Lisbon.

She introduces us all to him but I shove my hands deep into my pockets and merely give him a slight nod of acknowledgement in response to his courteous greeting before turning away. I don't like him.

He gives us all the usual information on our victim, which in this case is nothing much as they haven't found a purse or any I.D. on her person.

Rigsby and Cho head off to do…whatever it is Lisbon tells them to do. I wasn't listening. I'm too busy checking over the body while covertly watching the Sheriff blatantly checking out my partner. Well, blatant to me anyway. In her defence, Lisbon seems unaware of the subtle indicators that I find so obvious.

His whole body language fairly screams its interest and I can feel something start to bubble away deep inside of me before suddenly bursting forth to pound heatedly through my veins.

It isn't jealousy. Oh, no, no, no. This is something far more primitive and basic. It is possessive and territorial and I've never felt like this about any woman before in my entire life.

I think I was so certain of Angela's feelings for me and mine for her that I never had need for this kind of emotion. With Lisbon it's different. I feel vulnerable. I only have a memory from a time I was heavily drugged to cling to after all. What if I misheard? Or worse, made it all up in my head because I so badly want it to be true?

I try and dismiss my negative thoughts and determinedly look back down at the dead woman in order to get this case solved so that we can leave. I manage to last a few seconds before I can't help but glance up at them again and my jaw clenches painfully when I see him smile, remove his hat then pull back his shoulders and straighten up to his full height, puffing out his chest like a proud peacock trying to entice a mate. I swear to God I think I'm going to see a fan of feathers sprout out of his ass any second now.

Unable to watch anymore, I stand up suddenly and Lisbon looks over at me expectantly.

"You got anything?" she asks with interest.

"Maybe," I reply non-committedly as I gesture at a nearby copse of trees then look back at her. "I just want to take a look around first though. You coming?"

"Sure."

She joins me by the body and I head over to the wood with her following close behind. Her easy agreement at accompanying me should soothe my almost feral urge to stake a claim on what I consider mine…but it really doesn't.

"So what are we looking for?" she asks when we've walked deeper into the wood for a couple of minutes in silence.

I stop and turn to face her. A quick glance around tells me that no-one can see us and on pure primal instinct I grab her by the arms and push her back up against the closest tree. She lets out a little cry of surprise but before she can object my lips are roughly on hers and I pin her to the abrasive trunk with my body. It's urgent and passionate and my hands automatically go to her head where I work that damned band from her hair. I had been prepared for her to resist but instead she lets out a small groan of capitulation and her arms go around my neck almost immediately. Kiss for kiss, she matches me, fire with fire and the realisation of just how good we'd be together if I could just let things go merely ignites my ardour further.

I can feel my control slipping away and I know I have to stop this before it goes too far. That fleeting thought brings me to my senses just enough for me to finally tear my mouth from hers. I stand and stare at her as I take in deep ragged breaths while I try and get a grip on my turbulent emotions.

I don't even really understand what this is about. I'm not used to feeling this out of control. But with my ring, the house, Lorelei…the guilt…my insecurities about the Sheriff…I think it just all suddenly got too much for me. I guess I just snapped.

But I'm back in control of myself now…kind of.

I take a shaky step away from her and see that she's almost slumped back against the tree. Her eyes are still closed and she's breathing just as heavily as me. Her hair is wild and beautiful about her face and even though I know she's going to be as angry as all hell with me for doing this, the egotistical side of me can't help but be highly satisfied at the result.

She looks positively ravished.

Her eyes flutter open and she stares at me dazed for a few seconds before slowly straightening up and smoothing down her clothes.

"What the hell was that all about?" she asks, genuinely confused but not particularly upset. I'm surprised.

I stall a moment by clearing my throat and rubbing a hand over the back of my neck as I try and come up with a plausible reason as to why I've just acted like a caveman…other than telling her that I had an irrational need to remind her we're together. Somehow I don't think that would be received too well.

I rapidly run through the list of things that are swirling around in my head and pick the one that's least likely to myself shot…and garner most sympathy. At least I have the cold comfort of knowing it's not a lie.

"I'm sorry, Teresa, I just…the realtor called before we left. There's a buyer for the house and it's all happened so quickly that I didn't…I don't know…look, there's no excuse and I'm sorry."

I feel like such a heel when I see her expression soften and she nods her head in apparent understanding. Of what I have no clue. I have no idea how she rationalises my actions being in any way linked with the sale of my house and I'm at once humbled and a little ashamed that she is so ready to keep taking this crap from me. I really need to get my head and my own personal demons sorted out as soon as possible.

"Damn it!" she suddenly exclaims holding back her hair with one hand while slowly turning around in a circle as she looks down at the leaf covered ground.

"What's wrong?" I query with a frown.

"I've lost my hair band," she answers, so engrossed in the fruitless search that she doesn't even look at me. If she did she'd see that I still have it in my hand and I'm about to give it back to her until she adds, "If I go back with my hair like this people are going to think we were up to something."

"Well, we were," I point out reasonably as I surreptitiously put the band into my pocket.

I may not be particularly proud of myself at the moment but it's not enough to stop me from wanting that Sheriff to back off. This will be perfect.

"Jane!" she hisses out, obviously annoyed that I'm not in the least bit bothered. "You did this so just help me find it."

I huff out an exasperated sigh and make a show of walking about and kicking at leaves.

"No one will even notice, Teresa," I say dismissively.

"Cho will," she retorts irritably.

She's right of course, he doesn't miss a trick.

"But he won't say anything," I counter calmly. "Come on, let's just go back. I need to have another look at that body."

I smile as I watch her pat down her hair then flip it back over her shoulders as if it'll fool people into thinking it's still up. All she's managed to do is fan the flame of my desire once more and I quickly turn and walk away before I give in to my salacious thoughts again.

Much like the time a few months ago when we dealt with a body missing some limbs, she trails after me out of the wood. The Sheriff is still standing where we left him and as I approach I pull the elastic band out of my pocket. I make a show of rolling it 'absently' over my forefingers as I crouch down to check over the body…properly this time.

I feel Lisbon come to a stop behind me and glance up just as the other man's smile fades a little as he looks at her then down at me. I raise my eyebrows and give him a pointedly smug smile. With a resigned look, he puts his hat back on his head, offers a token nod of acknowledgement then stalks away.

The silent exchange only lasts a few seconds but I think I can safely say that I got my point across. He's gracious in defeat but I still don't like him.

"Is that my hair band you're playing with?"

Uh-oh.

I quickly stand and look down at the offending piece of elastic I'm holding in studied surprise.

"Oh, is that what this is? I just found it in my pocket."

She stares back at me suspiciously and I can tell she's trying to figure out just what exactly is going on. She glances over at the retreating form of the Sheriff then back at me and I can see the moment everything clicks into place by the slight widening of her eyes and shake of her head. With an irritated scowl she steps forward and reaches out to grab the elastic. Before I can relinquish my hold, however, she pulls it away from my hand then lets it go so that it snaps back against my fingers with a soft slap and a sharp sting.

Ouch.

"Just get on with your job," she orders curtly before snatching the band from my still smarting hand.

I think it best to do as she says and diligently go about my business. By the time I have anything to report, her hair is neatly tied back once more and she's got a full steam on barking out instructions left, right and centre.

I tell her my thoughts but when she merely nods to indicate that she's heard me, I know I'm in the metaphorical doghouse. I decide it's probably best if I go and help Rigsby and Cho. They give me questioning looks but don't ask. They're good friends. After an hour or so, Lisbon tells us that we're all to go back to the office as there's nothing more we can do until we find out the identity of the dead woman.

I fully expect her to send me on my way with the other two men but when she doesn't I follow her to the SUV and we get in. Once we're under way, she glances over at me and I brace myself for the tirade I'm positive is about to begin.

As usual, Lisbon surprises me. After all the years I've known her you'd think I realise she would by now.

"You know, right at this moment it's a toss up between wanting to strangle you for making me look unprofessional again or kiss you because I know how upset you must be about your house," she informs me quietly.

I stare at her in amazement then give her a small smile.

"I know which one out of the two I'd prefer," I reply, just as softly.

She looks over at me and sighs before turning back to the road.

"I thought that now we're together you'd stop hiding things from me," she mutters with a tinge of frustration.

For a horrible moment I wonder just exactly what she means. Does she somehow know about Lorelei?

I search her face avidly for any sign that she's found out my secret then, when I realise what I'm doing, I quickly turn away, angry with myself for even entertaining the idea of any subterfuge on her part. It's my own guilty conscious that's really to blame.

"I'm sorry," I apologise sincerely.

I've said that a lot today but I think it's best that I don't say anything more. No making promises of never hiding things from her, no assurances that I'll always tell her everything because I'd only be lying and I really don't want to do that.

The rest of our journey is made in relative silence only talking to each other when discussing the case. She's not really angry with me, more like sad and disappointed and to be honest that bothers me much more than when she yells.

We get back to CBI and as we head towards the bullpen my phone begins to ring. I pull it out and look down at who's calling and see that it's the prison again. I belatedly remember it's been a week since the last call and as I continue to stare at my phone I know I have a decision to make.

And it's really quite simple when I cut through all the emotional crap and come right down to it. I suppose I didn't want to acknowledge it to myself but at the end of the day I have to make a choice between Teresa and Lorelei.

Does my personal need for some closure outweigh my love for Lisbon?

"Aren't you going to answer that?" she inquires impatiently from beside me.

I look up and gaze into her beautiful stormy green eyes and smile back at her warmly as my decision becomes clear.

"No, it's nothing important," I reply as I cut off the call and place my cell back in my pocket.

She gives me a curious look then gestures to the break room.

"Tea?"

I nod my assent and follow her in amazed at how much better I already feel from just one simple act of decisiveness.

I don't know how long it will take me to assuage my guilt but I console myself with the belief that when I finally let this debilitating emotion go, at least it now won't come at the expense of the woman I love.

And although my unsettled feeling still lingers, I'm truly grateful for that.

END CHAPTER 9


	10. October

_"But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,  
You don't know you're beautiful"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**October 20th – 5.53pm**

We caught a case last week where a man had a tragic background vaguely similar to myself.

Family killed in a car accident, him the only survivor. The other driver not convicted due to a technicality. The almost insane thirst for revenge…and he got it. Much good it did him. He just swapped one prison for another. Not that he seemed to care.

It was like sitting there and looking at a cracked mirror image of myself. What I could have become but for one person. There but for the grace of Lisbon, go I.

To say it was uncomfortable viewing is an understatement but there was one thing about his situation that finally forced me sit down and take a good, long hard look at myself.

It's been way overdue but, as is always the way, the solution to what appears to be, at times, an insurmountable problem is generally very simple.

Life is peculiar like that.

It's also confusing and frustrating. A source of joy and love and sadness and remorse…but at least I'm still here. At least I have a life to experience all these sometimes wonderful, sometimes turbulent emotions.

And that, I believe, is the crux of my problem…and my guilt.

I was so absolutely certain that my remorse was all tied up with my unhappy past that I didn't bother to look for another cause. Didn't even entertain the idea that my reluctance to take off my ring was for any other reason than my part in my family's untimely deaths and my need to make some inner peace with that.

And although that much is true to a certain extent, I soon realised it wasn't the basis for dragging my feet over its much delayed removal.

It's actually to do with the fact that I didn't die.

Years ago, Lisbon said that she thought I'd choose life…well, she was wrong. I never did. Oh, I admit I had moments of compunction over leaving her behind, I mean I loved her, even then…just not enough. Not like now. My vengeance was everything to me back then. There wasn't anything I wouldn't or didn't do to get it…with the odd exception. The entire time I searched for Red John, I was so certain that I knew what the inevitable outcome would be when I finally confronted him. Ultimately, I was prepared to die.

So when I didn't, I just wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it. Like the man who lost his family in the car accident I developed some warped kind of survivor's guilt, I felt bad for not actually dying…and I believe that's the real reason I've found it so hard to move on now.

I'm punishing myself for still being here.

For trying to forge a new life…maybe even have another family one day when everything inside me is telling me that I shouldn't even be alive. I shouldn't be having the opportunity to go on. That I should have sacrificed myself like I unthinkingly did my wife and daughter…

Fourteen months after the event and I've finally figured it out. Better late than never I suppose but it still bothers me that I was so quick to see in another what I was so blind to see in myself.

But at least I understand my guilt now. What's more, I found I came to terms with it far quicker than I'd expected. It's much easier to forgive myself for living than it is finding some rationale for getting my family killed. At least Red John's death went some way to help me deal with that.

I glance down at my hand and smile. My ring is feeling lighter by the second now. The compulsive need to wear it is not nearly as strong as it was and I've decided that when we go back to Lisbon's place tonight, as has become our habit, I'm going to take it off.

It's time.

"Jane, can I see you in my office please?"

I look up from my book with a ready smile, which rapidly fades when I see the troubled expression on Lisbon's face. Something's happened. Something bad by the look of it. I immediately put my book down on the couch and get up to follow her, keen to find out the problem. I only hope I can help.

"What's wrong?" I ask as soon as I shut the door to her office behind me.

"Sit down," she requests with a nod of her head to the chair on the opposite side of her desk.

She's not looking at me directly and a sense of foreboding starts to inch its way up my spine as I do as she asks.

"Well?" I prompt when the silence stretches between us for a few moments.

"Valley State just called me," she begins casually and my stomach plummets. Lorelei is incarcerated there. "They said they've not been able to get hold of you this week and wanted me to pass on a message."

"Lisbon, I can explain…" I quickly try to cut in but she's having none of it.

"I'm sure you can. You have an explanation for everything, don't you?" she replies acerbically.

I can see the anger simmering away just beneath the surface of her strained but still calm exterior and know it won't take much to make her lose it. I decide to try and diffuse the situation.

"Look, I didn't want to bother you with it," I say dismissively. "It's no big deal."

Her mouth tightens grimly at my words my hopes of this not turning into an argument take a downward turn.

"As your superior I have a right to know when a prison inmate requests a visit from one of my team," she snaps curtly.

Really? She's trying to make this about work?

"Well, I'm sorry Agent Lisbon but as I declined to go I didn't think it was important," I retort, feeling my own irritation start to rise. "Besides we both know what this is really about, so stop acting so put out."

"Oh? And what's that?" she asks brusquely.

"You're upset because you think I harbour some kind of romantic feelings for Lorelei even though I've told you many times in the past that I don't," I state matter-of-factly.

She stares at me in silence for a few seconds then I see her anger melt away, leaving disappointment and hurt in its place. I'm confused…and a little concerned because I can't help but feel that I've let her down in some way.

"You think I'm jealous of Lorelei?" she asks in disbelief then shakes her head with a sad, wry smile and continues, "I'm not. I just don't like the fact that you hid this from me, Patrick." Her use of my given name tells me this is serious and when she looks down briefly before returning her gaze to mine, I note with growing trepidation that there's a look of defeat in her eyes as she adds, "How can we have any kind of relationship if I can't trust you to be honest with me?"

Her words are spoken so softly and yet I feel the sting of every single one of them as if I've been slapped. How the hell do I answer that? Whatever I say will have already been contradicted by my actions in connection with Lorelei.

Still, I have to try…

"Teresa, I admit I should have told you about the calls; I made a mistake…"

"It's not just the calls," she interrupts sharply then noticeably brings herself up short and lets out a sigh. "You know what? I'm not doing this here. Just go. I'm done."

Where my stomach had fallen sharply before, now it starts to rise and I feel the nausea sit at the back of my throat at her words. I have to know what she means but dread it at the same time.

"With the conversation?" I ask, trying to control the quiver in my voice but failing miserably. "Or with us, Teresa?"

"Both!" she snaps incensed and my breath catches in shock. But then I breathe again when I see her look immediately contrite. She closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose before saying wearily, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just angry and tired and hungry…not a great combination for me. I think I'm going to go home. Alone."

She opens her eyes and I nod silently. She gets up and gathers her things together quickly then, after bidding me a cursory goodnight, she leaves.

I go back to my couch heavy hearted and sit down feeling dejected. I have no-one to blame but myself and although I know she doesn't really want to see me, I also know that I can't leave it like this. It's the kind of thing that will fester and, for once, I don't want to just ignore it in the hopes that it'll go away. I want to make it right.

I try and occupy myself for an hour but my book no longer holds my interest and there's only so many cups of tea even I can drink so I spend most of the time simply sitting and thinking of what to say to save our relationship.

If I'm not careful, I could easily ruin this for good…if I haven't already that is…

Lisbon is understandably upset and even though she apologised, I know that she wouldn't have said what she did in the first place if there wasn't at least some part of her that had meant it…however deeply buried.

I check the clock and see it's time to go. I make my way down to my car then drive over to her apartment, stopping to buy some take out on the way. Partly as a peace offering, partly because I know she won't have eaten anything despite her admission to hunger. She just doesn't look after herself well enough.

I pull up outside her place then get out of my car and walk up to her apartment. I take a deep breath then exhale slowly as I knock firmly on the door and wait. After a few moments the door opens slightly and Lisbon scowls at me silently.

Not a great welcome.

"I brought food," I say holding up the paper bag with a smile.

She eyes the bag suspiciously then, to my relief, opens the door wider so that I may enter. I place the food down on her kitchen counter then turn to see that she's walked over to the far side of the room. The atmosphere feels awkward and everything about her stance is prickly and defensive; from her sullen expression, to her folded arms and rigid posture. I sigh inwardly at the task I have before me but I don't balk. She's worth it.

"I thought I told you I wanted to be alone," she says suddenly. "Why do you never listen to me?"

"I do…I just chose to ignore you this time," I reply lightly.

"You always ignore me," she mutters as she looks away.

I let her remark slide and take a couple of steps towards her only to stop when she visibly stiffens even more if that's possible. Despite her seemingly outward rejection of me, I take heart from the fact that she did let me into her home. Somewhere deep down she must want to sort this situation out as well.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Lorelei," I begin sincerely. Her mouth thins into a grim line at the mention of the other woman's name but it needs to be said. "I thought that after the first call she wouldn't bother me again so I didn't say anything."

Lisbon shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

"You just don't get it do you?" she retorts unhappily. "You should have told me anyway, whether they called again or not."

"Why? Because of work?" I counter wryly.

"No…because we're supposed to be together," she argues irately. "That's what couples do, Jane. They don't hide things from each other, they talk, they share…and it's not just this thing with Lorelei, you do it all the time."

Guilty as charged but I feel I have a valid reason.

"It's only because I don't want to see you upset," I try to explain, hating the way she keeps making veiled references to us parting ways.

"I'd rather be upset and know you've been honest with me than have this feeling of…of betrayal that I have right now," she replies angrily. "This feeling that I don't mean anything to you." She stops suddenly and I can see the anger abruptly leave her taut body making her sag a little as she adds with obvious pain, "You hurt me."

Oh, God. Is this really what my own irrational fear and confusion has done to her? I've been so wrapped up in sorting out my own issues by myself that I didn't even realise that at the same time I was effectively shutting her out.

I close the distance between us to come to stand in front of her. My hands fist at my sides where I so badly want to touch her but won't because I can practically feel the rejection emanating from her tense, diminutive body.

"You mean everything to me, Teresa," I tell her earnestly.

The disbelieving look she gives me is like a knife to my heart and suddenly, nothing seems important anymore. Not my ring, my house, my demons, my misguided urge to protect her…all I know is that the three little words I've been too afraid to utter are now the easiest thing I'll ever have to say.

"I love you."

I hear a slight hitch in her breath and her eyes widen as she stares at me in shock. I can feel my own heart slamming away nervously in my chest but whatever happens now, I'm glad that I've finally told her. I've wanted to for so long now and I just pray that down to my own stupid foolishness it's not too late.

I watch her face carefully, anxious for a clue as to what she's thinking. Then, just when I'm about to make a stuttering apology for revealing such feelings, her stunned expression slowly fades and a light blush stains her cheeks. My throat tightens and I find breathing just that little more laboured as her lips suddenly quirk up into a small, shy smile and she looks down, biting on her delectable bottom lip.

I don't think I've ever seen her look more beautiful…or I've ever felt more relieved.

I say her name softly and when she looks up at me demurely from under her lashes I lean in, unable to hold back any longer. I need to seal my declaration with a kiss. As my lips meet hers she yields to me willingly, our arms wrapping around each other so tightly that I'm sure we'll never let go. The kiss is fierce and sweet and desperate and tender as I think we both know just how close we came to losing each other.

Finally I'm forced to relinquish her mouth in order that we can both draw breath, but I don't loosen my hold.

"If I'd known this was the best way to stop you being angry with me I'd have told you how I felt years ago," I joke with a grin.

"Yeah, well, don't think it'll get you out of trouble every time," she retorts with a smile.

"I won't," I assure her, suddenly solemn. I want her know how serious I am. "And I won't keep things from you from now on, Teresa, I promise."

She winces slightly then shakes her head.

"Don't promise; do it because you want to, OK?"

"I will," I agree sincerely. I know we still have a lot of things to work out but at least this is a start.

She nods and pulls away a little.

"I'm starving. What did you get?" she queries with a smile of anticipation.

I follow her lead to drop the subject for now and kiss her again before I let her go. We dish out the Chinese I stopped to pick up on the way then sit together on her couch and eat our food as she watches some reality show on the television while I just watch her.

I'm well aware she hasn't said she loves me back but although I'm a little disappointed, I'm not worried. Unlike myself, she shows me how much she cares every single day just from her simplest of actions. And considering how upset she was over everything, I know I need to show her that I mean what I say before I should expect her to make any kind of commitment, verbal or otherwise, back.

It's late by the time we've finished our dinner so I make a move to leave. We share a lingering kiss in her doorway then I bid her goodnight and walk over to my car with a spring in my step I haven't felt in years.

When I get in, I grip the steering wheel and the light from one of the street lamps catches my ring, drawing my attention as it glints brightly. I look at it with a smile and allow myself a few moments to reminisce about things past before I slowly reach over and pull it off.

I clasp it tightly in my hand for a second then resolutely put it into my vest pocket for safekeeping. My finger feels naked without the familiar metal band and I'm sure it'll take a little getting used to, but after today, I'm ready.

Finally, it feels right.

END CHAPTER 10


	11. November

_"If only you saw what I can see,  
You'd understand why I want you so desperately"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**November 22nd – 9.15pm**

Rigsby brought Ben up to the office last week.

It doesn't happen often, hardly ever in fact but he had a day off and was meeting Grace for lunch. It was nice. He's a cute little boy and was running around in that bouncy, almost clumsy kind of way that probably seems really fast to him but in reality he was hardly moving at all.

I love kids at that age.

He charmed everyone, especially Lisbon, and she'd been so delighted when he'd held his arms up for a cuddle. She'd quickly obliged and had looked over at me with a beautiful smile of pure happiness.

You know that moment when everything around you seems to fade into nothing and there's just you and that one other person…?

Yeah. That was it for me.

And as I stood there just staring at her, I experienced a most profound longing to see her holding our child one day.

I have to say it caught me off guard. I've had the odd, fleeting wisp of an idea float through my head but it's not something I've given any real serious thought to…I mean, we still haven't even slept together yet.

And that's another thing I have a 'profound longing' for…although, true, it's not quite as innocent as my yearning for settling down. Still, now that the elephant that was my ring has finally left not just the room but the entire building, I really want to take our relationship to the next level. And from the way things were heating up between us just a couple of hours ago, I think she's ready too.

If only Cho hadn't interrupted us with that damn call about work…I swear he's still paying me back for that hug.

Anyway, I'm hoping that tomorrow evening we can pick up where we left off. I figure that if we close the case tonight then we shouldn't have any more interruptions. I can wait a little longer. Not much, but a little.

So now we're here, pulling up to a rundown shack out in the middle of nowhere at some ridiculous time of night because we finally got a break on a case we've been working on for the past week.

Well, actually we're only ten minutes away from the I-5 and it's not really that late, but still…

Lisbon kills the SUV's lights and we roll to a stop a little distance away from where we've been told the killer, Robert Finlay, is holed up.

"Wait here," she orders unnecessarily.

I don't need telling twice. I reconciled myself to the fact that I'll never be a hero a long time ago. Besides, I'd rather watch Lisbon take charge. I do so love a woman in control.

I grab hold of her hand as she's about to get out of the vehicle and she looks back at me with a faintly puzzled expression.

"Be careful," I caution softly.

She gives me a nod and smile before slipping off into the darkness.

I open my window a little so that I can hear what's going on. I know Cho and Rigsby are out there somewhere with her but that doesn't quell the usual feeling of anxiousness that always settles in the pit of my stomach whenever she heads off into the line of fire this way.

I automatically go to fiddle with my ring but as soon as I touch bare skin I remember that I'm no longer wearing it. I'm mostly used to the fact now but during tense moments like these I tend to forget and fall back into the habit.

It's odd, but although Lisbon and I have talked alot recently, the one thing we've never spoken about is my ring…not aloud anyway. We had one of those silent conversations that we seem to have perfected so well over the years.

It was the day after I'd told Lisbon that I loved her. I'd made myself a cup of tea and a coffee for her and had placed the mug on her desk before settling comfortably on her couch. She was scribbling away at some report or other and I didn't want to interrupt, I just wanted to be near. I'd just taken a sip of my drink when I realised that she'd stopped writing and I looked over to see what she was doing.

She'd stared at me intently then deliberately looked at my ringless hand and back up again to meet my gaze with concern in her eyes and a questioning quirk of her brows. I'd mimicked her pointed looks to my hand and up again then smiled back softly and nodded slightly. A moment later she'd blushed and smiled too then had gone back to her infernal scribbling.

No need for words; we understood each other perfectly.

And I'm happy with that. There's no need to dissect my decision. We both know what it means.

Besides, we've spent a lot of time talking about other things over the past few weeks. I want her to see that I meant what I said. I am opening up more and it is because I want to. Emotionally, it's actually been quite cathartic. I'd even go so far as to say that I believe it's brought us closer together.

Amazing really considering I so very nearly pulled us apart through my own damn idiocy. I learned my lesson but good and I won't risk losing her again.

Speaking of which, I should have seen or at least heard something by now. I guess our man isn't here after all.

The moon comes out from behind some clouds overhead, giving the clearing and shack that eerie, muted silvery glow that stands any horror movie in good stead and I try to catch a glimpse of my friends.

Nothing.

Something doesn't feel right to me and I'm just contemplating getting out of the car when, suddenly, all hell breaks loose.

Loud gunshots ring out; the staccato bursts of sound piercing the otherwise quiet night. I can see flashes of gunfire through the dirty, cracked window panes and hear Rigsby shout out something unintelligible as they try to apprehend the suspect.

As quick as the action starts, it stops again leaving the surrounding area unnaturally silent once more. I stare through the windscreen and just catch sight of the front door opening and our man creep stealthily out before clouds capture the moon in their embrace once more leaving everything in a blanket of near darkness.

I'm undecided what to do. I don't want him the get away but, although I'm certain Lisbon has a gun secreted in just about every available orifice within the car, I'm hesitant to confront him outright because well, quite frankly, I hate guns. Words are my ammunition but I doubt he's in any mood to talk right now. Maybe if I could just stall him somehow then Lisbon and the guys would have enough time to come and get him.

I can hear footsteps coming nearer, crunching on the dead twigs and leaves that are strewn over forest floor and know I don't have much time. I lean over the console and turn the keys that are still in the ignition so that I have power to the car's controls. Without starting the engine, I press the switch for the headlights and sit up in time to see the bright lights come full on and illuminate the clearing.

The man stops dead in his tracks and holds his arm up across his eyes, momentarily blinded by the glare. He recovers far quicker than I anticipate though and I fling myself back down across the console when I see him suddenly level his gun right at me.

Crap.

The windscreen erupts in an explosion of noise and I cover my head with my hands as I feel the shattered glass cascade over me in a brittle waterfall.

I'm suddenly very aware of my perilous situation and yet all I worry about is that Lisbon is going to be furious with me for getting the car damaged.

Before I can sit up, my door is yanked open and our suspect roughly drags me out by my arm. I wince as I feel the wrench on my shoulder at the violent movement but manage hold my hands up in a submissive gesture in spite of the pain.

He points his gun at my head and I swallow hard, trying to dampen down the sense of fear and panic I can feel rising rapidly within me. They say you can see your life flash before your eyes right before you die…all I see is Teresa's beautiful face.

And then, unexpectedly, I hear her voice…

"Put the gun down, Finlay," my fair rescuer commands but I can hear the slight wobble in her voice that belies her concern about the situation.

I look past our suspect and feel relief wash over me when I see her. A quick once over convinces me she's unhurt and my gaze darts to Cho and Rigsby who stand a couple of feet away either side of her; all their guns are trained on the man that was about to kill me.

Finlay stiffens momentarily then looks at me in a way that I already regret. Why, oh why did I turn on those blasted headlights? I should have just let him go and we could have found him another time…preferably in the daylight.

He moves quickly and grabs me by the jacket, pulling me to him. The next moment his arm is around my chest and his gun is pressed against my temple.

"No, you put the gun down or pretty boy here is dead," the killer threatens sourly.

Pretty boy? Really? Pretty I can live with but, boy? I'm offended.

"You won't kill me," I say keeping my voice as casual as I can manage. "You know they'll just come down harder on you in court…if one of these guys doesn't shoot you first of course."

"Shut up!" he orders gruffly.

"Jane!" Lisbon admonishes harshly.

"And you probably don't have any bullets left after that little altercation in the shack…"

"Wanna test it out, big mouth?" Finlay asks, pressing the barrel so hard against my head and I'm sure it's going to leave a mark.

"Jane, be quiet," Lisbon says curtly the fear and dismay clear on her face. She shakes her head at me in warning then relaxes her stance and holds up her gun for him to see before bending to place it onto the forest floor. She glances at Cho and Rigsby who reluctantly follow suit. I'm certain it's the wrong thing to do and am proved right when Finlay suddenly turns his gun on Lisbon.

My reaction is pure instinct at seeing the woman I love threatened and I push aside my dread and panic to elbow him hard in the gut then stamp heavily on his foot. It's enough to make him drop his arm but he still clings onto me for dear life.

All of a sudden it feels as if I've been hit by a truck as something, or someone, crashes into us and I'm slammed hard, face first, against the SUV with Finlay crushing me from behind. Pain radiates from my chest and breathing suddenly becomes more difficult. Abruptly, I feel that Finlay is gone and I turn slowly, leaning back on the car before sinking to the ground as I try to catch my breath.

I see Rigsby cuffing the suspect then Lisbon is on her knees by side, looking at me in blatant concern as she runs her hands over my face and body.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you alright? Are you hurt? Where does it hurt? Jane?"

"That was you?" I ask in disbelief. "I thought it was Rigsby. Do you have some hidden super power or something you haven't told me about yet?"

"Patrick this is serious, where does it hurt?" she asks still prodding me.

She reaches a tender spot on my chest and I bat her hands away with a wince and a sharp intake of breath that just causes me even more pain.

"I'm fine, woman, stop fretting, I'm just winded, that's all," I gasp out a little more tetchily than I mean to be. It's just that I have a sinking feeling that it's slightly more serious than that because the throbbing pain coming from both my shoulder and my ribs is immense.

She looks understandably put out by my tone and I let out a huff of annoyance at myself for taking my hurting out on her. I gingerly push myself up to stand and she grabs hold of my injured arm to help. I let out a little yelp of pain and her arm immediately goes around my waist to support me.

"I'm getting you to a hospital," she says firmly. "Cho, call for back-up and tell them we need an ambulance." She pauses to look at the damaged SUV. "And a tow truck."

Cho does as he's asked and I, of course, protest most strongly.

"I don't want to go to the hospital, Lisbon," I say, wishing it didn't come out sounding quite so petulant.

"Stop whining," she snaps with a touch of irritation.

The fact that I need her to help me walk and I really can't quite catch my breath to argue the point means that I know I don't have any way to form a realistic retort. She leads me over to a large up-ended tree and I sit down on the trunk gratefully.

"I'll be right back," she says before walking off to where Cho has just finished his call. They have a quick conversation then he nods and she comes back over to me. "I'm going back to CBI with Rigsby to book Finlay. Cho's going to stay with you until the ambulance arrives."

I nod and reach out to grab her hand as she turns away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you," I tell her with a contrite smile as she looks back. "And I'm fine, really. A couple of hours rest and I'll be good as new."

She stares back at me dubiously.

"Boss? Finlay's in the car. You ready to go?" asks Rigsby, interrupting the moment.

"Yeah, sure," she replies before looking back at me and giving my hand a brief squeeze. I think she's about to leave when she surprises me by bending down and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. "Go to the hospital, OK? You need checking over properly. I don't want to come out of interrogation and see you sitting on that damn couch."

"Meh," I reply blithely, not at all amazed how she knew that I'd already been trying to think of a way to persuade Cho to just take me back to the CBI too.

"Please, Patrick…for me?" she requests softly.

Although it's too dim to see her eyes in detail, I know exactly the appeal that her green depths hold for me to do as she asks.

Damn.

I was so determined not to go as well but how can I say no to that?

"Fine, I'll go," I mutter unenthusiastically.

"Good," she says far too brightly for my liking. She stands up and gives me a smile then heads off to the other car where Rigsby is waiting.

I hear them drive off then Cho saunters over and sits down next to me. He notices me grimace and from the wry quirk of his mouth apparently finds it amusing.

"How you doing?" he asks.

"I've been better," I reply, trying to find a comfortable way of sitting without moving too much. It's not an easy thing to achieve.

"Lisbon hits like a freight train," he comments wryly.

"You too?" I commiserate then take a deep steady breath and exhale slowly.

"Yeah. During training once. My back hurt for a month."

"That's my Lisbon, no half measures," I murmur affectionately then try to shift my posture again.

He looks at me for a moment then stares back over the clearing, still illuminated by the SUV's lights.

"Ambulance should be here in a minute," he says unnecessarily. I nod and he frowns a little, obviously perplexed. "Aren't you going to talk me into taking you back to the office?"

Really? Does everyone just know me now?

"Nah, thought I'd better get checked out this time," I answer dismissively.

"Lisbon told you to go, didn't she?" he guesses and actually grins. "Rigsby was right. You are whipped."

"If it's the right woman, Cho, it's simply called compromise," I counter with a smile.

He shakes his head still smiling then we hear the distant wail of the emergency services heading our way. Things move swiftly when they finally arrive and Cho gives out orders while I'm attended to by a paramedic.

As I had suspected, he tells me that I might have a couple of broken ribs and that I need an x-ray to make sure. They take me off to hospital and I spend the next couple of hours being prodded and poked. It's not really how I'd envisaged spending this evening I have to admit. Finally I'm told that nothing is broken, merely badly bruised. Oh, and I have a mild muscle strain in my shoulder.

I just need to use ice packs on the painful area's, take painkiller's if need be and I'm not to do anything physically strenuous in case I make it worse…for the next four weeks at least.

Why me?

If I believed in God, I'd think that he must hate me right about now.

They leave me all in peace to dress again and while my trousers are really not a problem, when it comes to my shirt with my shoulder starting to feel as though it's seizing up, I really find it a struggle.

"Here, let me help you," comes a welcome voice from the doorway and I look up in surprise.

"I could have been naked in here, Lisbon," I quip with a grin.

"I took my chances," she replies with an unconcerned shrug as she steps into the room.

She sees my chest and a pained expression crosses her features as she stops and gazes back at me in dismay. The bruising is already starting to come out and having looked in a mirror, I know it's not a pretty sight.

"It looks worse than it is," I fib. I think a lie in these circumstances is perfectly acceptable. She feels bad enough as it is. "But you're welcome to kiss it better if you don't believe me."

My invitation is deliberately reminiscent of the time I did just that to her poor cheek and it brings forth the smile I was hoping to see.

She walks over and for a moment I think she might just take me up on my offer but she takes my shirt from my hands instead. Very gently, she slides a sleeve up one of my arms then reaches around me to take hold of the other side of the fabric. The movement brings her flush against me, her face close to mine as she pulls the other sleeve up so all that's left to do is button my shirt. She clutches the ends in her hands but instead of fastening them together, she uses them to tug gently, pulling me down for a kiss.

I never need asking twice when it comes to that and only rue the fact that I can't press her more firmly against me. Even this is making everything hurt. I draw back reluctantly then she bends her head and sets about doing my shirt up.

"You scared the crap out of me tonight," she says, her voice sounding as shaky as her fingers suddenly feel. "He could have killed you, you know? You were lucky tonight but what happens if one day I don't get to you in time? Huh? How do you think that'd make me feel?"

"I don't know, you've never told me," I retort then regret it immediately when her eyes rise to mine and I can see them brimming with unshed tears. "I'm…"

"No, don't apologise," she says, turning away from me and running a hand through her hair before turning back. "You're right. I've never told you and that's just one of the things I can't stop thinking about…when I'm not seeing Finlay holding a damn gun to your head. What if I'd lost my chance to tell how I really feel?"

I let out a careful sigh and shake my head.

"You didn't. You haven't, Teresa. I'm still here and when you're ready to tell me I'll be more than willing to hear it…but not now. Not after a night like this when you're panicking because someone got a little too close for comfort. I want you say it when there's not a chance that you'll regret it the next morning. OK?"

She blinks a couple of times then gives a cursory sniff before nodding her head in acquiescence.

"OK. You're right."

"Of course I am," I reply with a smile. "Now, could you help me put my vest and jacket on? I'd like to get out of this place."

She does as I ask and we go out to her car then get in. She sets off and it takes me a little while to realise we're heading for her apartment. We pull up outside and I turn to her with a regretful smile.

"As much as I'd like to finish what we started earlier, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a rain check," I tell her glibly.

She gives me a derisive look and shakes her head.

"Just shut up and get out," she orders without any real authority. "I'm not having you sleeping on that couch or in some uncomfortable bed in a crappy motel room tonight. You can stay here and get some proper rest."

I should decline but quite honestly I'm just too tired and in too much pain to argue right now so I simply do as she tells me and silently get out of the car. Once we're in her apartment, she tells me to go upstairs and get into bed.

How I wish she'd said that to me under different circumstances.

"I'll bring you up an ice pack and some painkillers," she adds as I slowly ascend.

I swear she can read my mind.

I manage to get my jacket off then gingerly lie down on top of the covers and feel myself begin to relax. She comes in a few moments later and I dutifully take the medication and apply the ice for a few minutes. She sits on the edge of the bed and waits until I'm done then takes the ice from me and runs her fingers through my hair as I close my eyes. It's nice and I quickly find myself succumbing to sleep.

"Night, Teresa," I murmur drowsily. "Love you." I hadn't realised I was quite so exhausted.

"Goodnight, Patrick," she whispers back. "Love you, too."

What the…? That wakes me up.

I force open my eyes and see her staring down at with a small smile.

"I'm still awake," I tell her needlessly, just in case she thought I'd fallen asleep before she'd told me.

"I know," she acknowledges, her smile widening. "Your eyes are open and everything."

Her hand is still gently stroking through my hair and I reach up to still her motion despite my protesting shoulder.

"Are you sure you're not going to regret in the morning?" I have to ask.

She looks down pointedly at her watch then back at me and says, "Well, since it's past midnight, I guess it is the next morning and you know what, Patrick?"

"What?" I prompt unable to contain my own smile now.

"I don't regret a thing," she says softly.

Happiness fills my entire being, dulling the pain as she leans down and gives me the sweetest kiss I think I've ever had. I want it to continue but frustratingly my injuries prevent it and I have to break contact far too soon.

"Stay with me," I request as she goes to move away. She pauses as if contemplating whether she should and I say jokingly, "I won't try anything, I swear."

A flash of guilt flares briefly in her eyes then she grins mischievously.

"I might though," she counters saucily and my breath hitches for a reason completely unrelated to my bruised ribs.

"No fair, Lisbon," I grumble half-heartedly then notice that she's got up and is walking to the door. "Aren't you staying?" I ask plaintively.

"I just want to put the ice pack away then I'll be right back," she tells me before she leaves.

I listen contentedly to the sounds of her moving about downstairs and enjoy the whole feeling of domesticity it lends. This might not be the way that I'd envisaged ending up in Lisbon's bed but having her finally admit her feelings for me…well, I think that more than makes up for it.

In truth, I wouldn't have it any other way.

END CHAPTER 11


	12. December

_"Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,  
You don't know you're beautiful"_

_~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D_

**December 24th – 9.03pm**

Another Christmas. Another CBI Christmas party.

This one's a bit different though, for two reasons. The first is that Abigail Grant, the wealthy philanthropist we helped in July has sponsored this year's event. The second is that I'm actually attending for a change.

Christmas is such a joyous occasion but ever since I lost Angela and Charlotte I've avoided this time of year like the plague. Too many painful memories of the lives I'd been so careless with. I wasn't interested in celebrating. Didn't want to be around people. Couldn't have anyone guessing how I really felt. How much I hurt. It was a weakness I had to keep hidden, so outwardly I used to pretend it didn't bother me…but it did. A lot.

This year is different though. I want to be with people. One person in particular.

This year I'm looking forward to Christmas with the over bright decorations and all the good cheer.

This year for the first time in over a decade…I'm happy.

It's a good feeling.

Early this morning I laid wreath's on my wife's and daughter's graves. It was hard but it no longer left me feeling so desolate and empty and alone as it had done in the past. Maybe it was because Lisbon came with me this time.

She hadn't said anything; she'd just been there for me as always…quiet and steady. Letting me deal with it my own way and when I'd stood, she'd clasped my hand and raised it to her lips for a gentle kiss.

Honestly, every day, every little thing she does just makes me love her even more. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel like this again…but for once, I'm more than happy to be proved wrong.

The thought of her has me avidly searching the ballroom. The normally modest party CBI throws has been far overshadowed this year and not only are employees here but also local councillors and legal hotshots. Abigail Grant doesn't like to do things by half judging by the amount of decadent food laid out on platters around the hall and the huge, impeccably decorated trees that adorn the sides. They're nice but there's something to be said for the haphazard way a child, or even an out of practice adult, dresses a tree. Festive music is being played by a band and their singer is really, rather good.

Unfortunately, this is the one year I wish it had been the usual, somewhat boring, event that I often heard the rest of the team describe after the holidays.

It would make it a whole lot easier to leave this thing early. As it is, Ms. Grant has purloined Lisbon and is in the process of introducing her to pretty much everyone in the room.

I'm pleased for her; she deserves to get some recognition for everything she does. I just wish it didn't have to be tonight when I have other, more personal, things I'd like to introduce her to myself.

What I need is a distraction.

I finally catch sight of Lisbon a few feet away, standing awkwardly next to a willowy bottle blonde who is with a short, rather rotund gentleman. Obviously a love match. Ms. Grant is called away and I watch Lisbon fidget with her dress as she self-consciously darts a glance at the taller woman. I can't help but shake my head.

Despite her outward confidence, especially at work, Lisbon can still be so insecure at functions such as these. I don't know why. To me, she's far more beautiful than that gold digging leech draped over her wealthy lover. Expensive jewellery and expertly applied make-up doesn't hide the fact that that woman is just plain ugly on the inside whereas Lisbon just positively glows with the compassion and goodness I know resides within.

I'm a lucky man.

I catch her eye and raise my glass to her in acknowledgement. I'm pleased to note that my shoulder no longer protests to such a motion. It's taken a while to heal but even my ribs are feeling a lot better now too. I still have some twinges if I over exert myself but it's not going to be enough to stop me taking Lisbon back to my new apartment tonight…unless she doesn't want to go of course.

The thought pulls me up short but when I see the way she smiles back at me, I quickly dismiss my errant musings. There's a sultry gleam in her eyes that fairly makes my body hum with anticipation. I stare back at her and, after blatantly running my gaze down her svelte, powerful body, I wink and give her a wicked grin. I can see her cheeks flame, even from here.

God, I'm good.

I take a sip of my wine and glance around the rest of the ballroom. Cho is talking to some guys from the office while Rigsby is dancing with Van Pelt. They're swaying languidly together wrapped in each other's arms even though the music isn't slow. I guess they're not keeping their affair a secret anymore. I'm a little sad that there are going to be changes within the team but happy for them nonetheless. It wouldn't surprise me if we were hearing the sound of wedding bells in the very near future.

I can't stop my gaze seeking out Lisbon when I think of marriage. I wonder what she'd say if she knew where my thoughts strayed to from time to time? It'd probably scare the hell out of her. Knowing Lisbon, I doubt that she would have allowed herself too much daydreaming in regards to me. I was hardly a safe bet, was I? But I am now and I'm going to do my best to ensure she knows that.

I just need to get her out of here first.

I notice she's finished talking to the couple and is about to head in my direction when a man suddenly appears at her side. I recognise him instantly. It's Senator Carlton. I wonder what rock he crawled out from under? Despicable oaf.

I can see the change in Lisbon's relaxed demeanour immediately when she tenses and gives me an almost pleading glance as the odious man takes one of her hands in both of his and leans in closer. As she draws back and tries to politely extricate herself from the snake's grasp, I can feel my grip tighten inexorably around the slim stemmed flute I hold and put it down on a nearby table in case I snap the delicate glass.

I never did like Carlton and each time I see him I'm reminded exactly why. I saunter over and paste an innocent smile on my face that I know Lisbon can see clean through. Now I notice her a tense for different reason. She's obviously concerned at what I'm about to say…or do. I must say she's probably right to be worried because I've just found my perfect distraction.

"Senator Carlton, it's good to see you again," I say insincerely.

"Jane," he replies curtly, his clear dislike for me written all over his face.

I'm unfazed by his look and reach out to shake his hand. Anything to get his paws off of Lisbon.

"Abigail asked me to come and get you," I lie then lean in conspiratorially and add in a hushed voice, "She mentioned something about a little donation to your campaign."

As I expect, the senator's eyes fairly bug out of his head in anticipation and he smiles so widely I think his head might split in two. He's so predictable it's not even remotely funny.

"Really? Where is she?" he queries as he turns away and avidly scans the ballroom.

Contrary though it may be, as much as I want him to leave Lisbon alone, it still makes my blood boil that he dismisses her so easily without even the common courtesy of an, 'excuse me'.

I'm going to enjoy this even more now.

"Come with me," I invite and lead him away.

"Jane," Lisbon calls out with a hint of warning from behind. I turn and she gives me a stern look but I merely grin back then carry on walking.

I'm grateful she doesn't follow. I thought for a second she might. We wend our way through the revellers and pass by a Christmas tree where I take hold of his arm and guide him around to the back.

What are you doing?" he asks irritably.

"I just wanted to show you these decorations," I say, moving my hand to his shoulder and giving it a subtle squeeze. "Apparently, they're priceless. The icicle drops are real diamonds…take a look."

I nudge one of the dangling, crystal droplets and it begins to gently sway, to and fro. I coax Carlton into watching and after only a few seconds I plant my suggestion and tell him to forget our meeting. It's just too easy.

I bring him out of the light trance then, as he blinks and looks at the tree with a dazed, puzzled expression, I make my escape.

"What did you do?" Lisbon asks as soon as I make my way back to her via a quick stop at the band to make a request.

"I took Carlton to see Abigail," I reply with a casual shrug.

Her eyes narrow and I know she doesn't believe me but I'm saved from having to lie again when the aforementioned philanthropist taps Lisbon on the shoulder.

"There you are, Teresa! Come with me, my dear, there's a someone else I'd like you to meet."

The music changes and the melodic strains of 'White Christmas' waft out across the ballroom.

"I'm very sorry, Ms. Grant, but I've already asked Agent Lisbon for a dance," I cut in apologetically. I take hold of Teresa's hand and give the other woman one of my most charming grins before adding with just enough despondency in my tone to be believable, "You wouldn't deny me the pleasure, would you? This song is my favourite."

"Of course not. Please, go ahead," she says graciously, waving us towards the dance floor. "I'll see you afterwards, Teresa."

With a resigned expression, Lisbon nods then I lead her onto the dance floor where I finally get to take her in my arms. I've wanted to do this all evening. I let out a soft sigh and pull her closer to me relishing the feel of her petite body. She wraps her arms around my neck but instead of the warm smile I'm hoping for, she looks at me with a slight frown.

"I don't know whether I should thank you for saving me from Abigail or be angry because you lied to me about Carlton," she finally says in a wry tone.

"How about neither?" I suggest softly. "Let's just enjoy the dance, shall we?"

Her frown stays put for another few seconds then, to my relief, she visibly relaxes.

"Oh, what the hell," she mutters a touch begrudgingly.

"That's the festive spirit, Lisbon," I quip dryly.

She looks up at me, bringing our lips mere inches apart and I have to stop myself from dipping my head to sample the delights I know are so near yet very far away. I wouldn't want to aggravate her further by subjecting her to a very public display of my affection.

A perfect eyebrow lifts up as I think she guesses my thoughts. I'm half expecting another frown or a shake of her head but instead her fingers begin to gently toy with the hair at the nape of my neck. Each tender caress sends a tiny shiver of awareness right down the centre of my spine causing me to draw in an inadvertent sharp breath.

From the knowing gleam in her eyes, the little devil knows exactly what she's doing to me and quite honestly I don't think I could want her any more than I do right at this moment.

Luckily, or not, depending on how you look at it, the song comes to an end and as I reluctantly release her, the first few notes of 'Santa Baby' start to fill the air. Out the corner of my eye, I see Carlton stride onto the dance floor and come to a stop right in the middle.

"What the…?" murmurs Lisbon in bafflement from my side and then she lets out a gasp of surprise when, all of a sudden, Carlton starts to dance.

He's not the most graceful of movers and it's not long before a few people stop to watch and snigger. He's oblivious to their laughter though, because I've planted it in his head that he's really good…along with another, even more amusing suggestion.

Lisbon gasps again, this time in horror, as the abhorrent man takes his jacket off and swings it around in the air above his head before throwing it towards a woman in the ever-growing audience of people that are now starting to gather.

I note that Abigail joins the throng with a disgusted expression on her face so I take my chance while she's otherwise occupied and slip my arm around Lisbon's waist.

"I think it's time we were leaving," I tell her firmly.

"Oh my God," she groans as the senator starts on his tie. "I'm going to get in so much trouble for this."

"Nonsense," I refute as I turn her around and lead her away. "It's not your fault he's had too much to drink."

"Jane…"

"Oh, hush. Let's just go. Everything will be fine, Lisbon, I promise."

She mutters something about me being a jerk but doesn't pull away.

I can't resist looking back over my shoulder just before we leave the ballroom and I have to choke back laughter at the sight of Carlton waving his trousers above his head and shaking his ass. The Rudolph printed silken boxers really are an unexpected bonus.

I close the doors behind us, effectively shutting out the sounds of the catcalls and whistles and she immediately turns to me with a frown.

"That was childish and irresponsible," she chides me seriously.

"It was," I agree trying to adopt a similar sober expression and failing miserably. "And no one deserved it more than him."

She smiles suddenly and shrugs her shoulders as she nods her head.

"That's true," she says then looks at me expectantly. "So, now you've got me out of there, what do you plan to do with me?"

"Why don't you come back to my place and find out?" I offer with more bravado than I feel. Inside I'm nervous as hell.

Her eyes widen slightly along with her grin and I see a faint blush colour her cheeks. She steps forward then reaches out and lays a hand on my jacket lapel, smoothing out a non-existent crease.

"Are you propositioning me, Patrick?" she asks softly, looking up at me from under her lashes.

"God, yes!" I reply earnestly as I grab her wandering hand and jerk her towards me. I'm done with playing games and innuendo now. I just need to know all of her…intimately.

"Well, it's about time," she murmurs dryly just before she leans in for heated kiss.

A sudden deafening cheer erupts from the room beyond and we break apart to stare at the door we've just exited through.

"I guess Carlton finished his routine," I speculate aloud as I try and slow down my rapid breathing.

"Oh, God," Lisbon groans with a pained expression. "Thanks for the visual."

We share a quick grin then I take her hand and stop to get her coat from the cloakroom before heading outside to my car. We get in and she doesn't even pass comment on my speed as we head for my apartment. Once there I unlock my door, switch on the lights and stand back to allow her entrance.

I only moved in a few days ago. It's a nice place with one bedroom and a spacious living area. I managed to strike a deal with the previous owner to purchase some of their furniture, as I have none of my own that I wanted here. It's ideal, plus it's only a ten-minute drive to Lisbon's apartment. She came and viewed it with me a while ago but she hasn't been back since I moved in.

I watch her move around the room and stop in front of the small Christmas tree to reach out and touch the star on top.

"It's crooked," she announces with a little smile as she tilts her head to accommodate the angle.

"I know. I like it like that," I reply as I walk up behind her and place my hands upon her shoulders.

She immediately tenses and I realise that despite her outwardly calm demeanour, she's probably feeling just as nervous as I am about taking this next step. It's a comfort in a way and I find it actually helps me quell some of my own apprehension.

I take off her coat and toss it on the couch to my side before turning back and leaning in to nuzzle her neck. Slowly, I trail barely there kisses all the way up to her earlobe. I hear her breath catch but instead of going further, I pull back and start on my task of letting her hair down. I tug the clips out one by one and let them drop to the floor as I enjoy seeing her long tresses slowly uncurl.

She sighs and the more I tend to her hair, the more I can see her tension ease. At last it's all free and I run my fingers through glossy strands a couple of times until she suddenly turns in my arms. Her lips seek out mine as she places a hand either side of my face and pulls me in for a deep, drugging kiss.

Fire leaps through my veins as I clutch at her back trying to pull her closer, ever closer but it's not enough. I need more. My fingers fumble for the zip but I only manage to drag it part way down before she pulls away and quickly slides my jacket from my shoulders, leaving it to fall in a heap on the ground.

"Bedroom," she commands huskily.

I nod and we stumble to my room leaving a haphazard trail of clothes behind us. I wanted to take it slow tonight but once she kissed me like that, I stopped thinking with my brain.

Down to our underwear, we're standing by my bed when she suddenly pulls away and steps back.

"Wait, are you sure you can you do this?" she asks with some concern. "I don't want to hurt you."

Her words manage to penetrate my lust-fuelled haze and I feel my stomach lurch unpleasantly. Why would she hurt me? Unless…is this just going to be for tonight?

"What do you mean?" I force out hoarsely.

"Your ribs; your shoulder," she explains. "I don't want to hurt you."

Considering the way my mind was going, I can't help the relieved chuckle that escapes as I close the distance between us and take her back into my arms.

"As long as you don't get too rough with me, I think I'll be fine," I say before going in for my favourite spot on her neck. I hear that wonderful little whimper and feel my ardour surge through me anew.

"You're not going to let me forget that, are you?" she asks, her voice breathy.

"Probably not," I concede on a murmur.

I lean in again but before I reach my goal, she moves and I suddenly find myself flat on my back on the bed with Teresa straddling me. I don't even really know how it happened.

"Got you right where I want you," she says with a triumphantly smug expression on her face.

She's taken the words right out of my mouth.

We remove the last of our clothing and revel in our nakedness, touching and caressing. We take turns to explore each others body thoroughly; seeking out the most sensitive spots so that we may draw out the most pleasure, the most passion. I mumble something about protection and in between kisses she assures me she's got it covered. Soon, the air surrounding us is punctuated with groans and sighs and whispered endearments until the moment we can wait no more and our sweat-slicked bodies finally unite.

There's a sudden hush as we stare deep into each others eyes. She smiles and I lean down to kiss her gently on the lips. It's an acknowledgement of our love without words then I draw back slightly and begin to move. I can no longer think anymore, I can only feel as our bodies instinctively fall into the age-old rhythm. It's urgent and intense and raw and when I hear her cry out my name, my own voice follows scant seconds later.

My heart is pounding so hard I think it might explode from my chest as I all but collapse panting on top of her. I place a tender kiss on her still damp forehead then, mindful of her tiny form beneath me, I immediately try to move but strong arms wrap themselves around me, keeping me still.

It's actually not a bad thing as I can feel the odd painful twinge coming from my ribs. I bury my face in her neck and just enjoy the feeling of being this close to her as we allow our bodies to calm down.

It was even better between us than I'd ever imagined in my wildest of dreams…and some of those have been pretty graphic. I have a feeling of complete and utter contentment seeping into every single pore of my body. I just hope it was as good for her.

I lift my head and gaze down at her flushed face. Her hair is splayed wildly across the pillow and her eyes are closed but there's a small smile playing about her slightly swollen lips.

"I love you, Teresa," I whisper as I smooth some wayward strands of hair from her face.

She languidly opens her eyes and stares back at me as her smile widens.

"I love you too," she replies in the same hushed tone.

I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing her tell me that.

This time when I move, she lets me go then excuses herself to pay a visit to the bathroom. I lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling, just taking a moment to reflect on what's happened to me…to us over the past few months.

Little did I know when I made that resolution to myself nearly a year ago that it would make me confront the demons and pain in my own life. It wasn't meant to happen but I'm glad that it did because I realise now that I needed to resolve those issues before I could truly move on.

It's been hard at times but it was worth it so that I can now be with Teresa if not completely, then at least relatively, unencumbered. My emotional baggage certainly feels lighter and even though there are things that I won't forget, I find I can look back at them with a more discerning eye than I did before. I can't ask for more than that.

The bedroom door opens and she walks back in looking a little self-conscious in her nakedness but I merely grin and lift the covers in invitation. She crawls in next to me and I pull her close, warming her chilled body with mine as I encourage her to snuggle up against me.

"Any regrets?" I ask quietly as I absently begin to play with her hair. I guess there's a part of me that still needs reassurance.

She lifts her head from where it was resting on my chest and looks down at me with a small but definitely mischievous smile.

"Just one," she replies.

Even though I don't think she's serious I can't help the way my body tenses and my hand stills in it's ministrations.

"Oh?" I query, attempting nonchalance.

"Yeah, I regret you're not already making love to me again," she reveals with a grin as she moves to lie on top of me. "Or is twice too much for an old man like you?"

I laugh out loud at that then wrap my arms around her and roll us over until she's pinned beneath me.

"Oh, I think I can manage it with the right amount of encouragement," I counter as I slide my hand under my pillow then pull out and hold up an item I secreted there earlier.

"My cuffs?" she gasps in amused disbelief as the shiny metal glints in the soft light from the living room. "How the hell did you...? Never mind."

She reaches out to take them but I jerk my hand away and grin.

"The stuff dreams are made of, eh, Teresa?" I query with a raised brow and knowing smile.

Her answering blush is all the confirmation I need and then I lean in for a kiss as I proceed to make hers a reality.

One of my last thoughts before I succumb to sleep as we lay spent afterwards is that maybe, for my next resolution, I'll try and make another one of my dreams come true.

It took me a year to woo and win the love of Teresa Lisbon…so I wonder just how long it'd take to convince her to marry me?

Hopefully, next year, I'll find out.

**THE END**


End file.
